Time spent together, away from kids, key to successful marriage

Remember the days when you used to get dressed up and go out on dates? When you ate at nice restaurants and spent hours talking about nothing in particular?

For many married parents, those days gave way to sweat pants, ponytails, rushed meals at fast-food joints and discussions that center on the children.

"Date? I think I remember what that was," says Jill Seymour of Mount Pleasant. "But it's been a long time since I've been on one."

Date nights have seen a surge in popularity since President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, have shined the spotlight on the importance of a healthy marriage.

In fact, in a couple of months, "Date Night," starring Tina Fey and Steve Carell as a married couple who have a particularly unfortunate night on the town, will hit theaters.

And with Valentine's Day on the horizon, visions of romance might just be filling your head.

"I know it's good for a marriage to spend time alone together," says Seymour, a mother of three. "But with our busy schedules, it's not easy to find the time. It takes so much work: getting a baby sitter, making sure the kids' needs are met, deciding where to go. It almost takes a miracle to make it happen. And honestly, I'm usually just too tired to go out."

Lou Peters, also a Mount Pleasant mother of three, says date nights can be logistically difficult to plan, but they're worth the effort.

"My husband and I take turns planning our nights out," she says. "We have a standing date with a sitter every other Friday. Sometimes we go out to dinner or to a movie, but we have also been known to go shopping for a new dishwasher or living room furniture during that time. The important thing is, it's just us."

And that, say relationship experts, is the key to a successful marriage.

"It doesn't matter where you go or what you do," says Sherri Young, a counselor in Summerville. "You don't even have to go out of the house. You just need to spend some time with your spouse, without the kids, on a regular basis.

"It's so easy to put your marriage on hold while you are raising a family, but it's not healthy. It's important for couples to maintain that connection that originally drew them together."

While it's easy to feel guilty about leaving the kids behind for an evening, it's also good for them to see their parents in a loving relationship, she says.

"One of the best things parents can do is let their children see them having fun together," Young says. "Children will form their opinion of marriage based on the actions of the married people they're closest to."

Taking care of yourself makes it easier to take care of others, she says.

"You have to be healthy and happy to keep everyone else healthy and happy," she says. "That's very important."

Peters says she always feels energized after a date night.

"It reminds me of why we got married in the first place," she says. "It reminds me of why I love him and makes me feel loved. And that makes me strive to be a better wife and mother."

If parents can't afford a sitter or a night out, there are plenty of less expensive options.

Swap babysitting with a friend for a night or have your "date" at home after putting the kids to bed. The date itself can be a walk on the beach or a DVD in the living room.

"The important thing is to reconnect," Peters says. "We have never said we won't talk about the kids while we are on our dates, but I do see it as an opportunity to talk about other things that we often don't get to when the kids are around. We can talk about how we feel or what we think about things."

For that reason, she says, she and her husband try to avoid movies on date nights.

"Sometimes there is something that we both really want to see, so we will," she says. "But we prefer to go somewhere where we can talk."

If you can't go on a date every other week or once a month, try to get out as often as you can, experts say.

"When our children were little, we couldn't go out regularly," says Rhonda McCoy of Summerville. "But we would try to seize whatever opportunities we could. If we realized we had a free Saturday night, we'd go out, knowing it might not happen again for a couple of months. If we had a free lunchtime on a Wednesday, we'd go out.

"We did it because it was important to us. We could always tell when it had been a while since we had couple time because we'd start getting testy with each other."

Brenda Rindge can be reached at 937-5713 or at brindge@postandcourier.com.