Secrets of the Guy Code revisited

Being a guy isn't easy.

Sure there's the freedom to scratch yourself in public or belch the alphabet at the dinner table (naturally, pausing to laugh when you get to the letter "p"), but it isn't all swear words and noogies.

No sir, sometimes being a guy requires a deeper intellectual understanding. Like knowing how to act when you trip and fall in front of a bunch of college girls ("What? This? Oh, that bone always sticks out of my shirt like that."), or what urinal to use in the men's room when there are only three and the two outer ones are occupied (the sink).

In fact, to be a real guy you must at all times adhere to a series of unwritten rules known as the Guy Code.

Several years ago, I discussed the topic of the Guy Code at length, referencing some of the more critical tenets. Things like the buffer seat (there must always be at least one empty chair between two guys at a movie), zipper etiquette (if you notice your buddy's is down, keep your mouth shut) and the rules for dating a guy's sister (you don't) (unless she's really hot). Today I will expound on those core rules by sharing a few more.

Guys, these are things you should all know, but just in case, consider this a friendly reminder.

For instance ...

NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHECK UNATTENDED.

At a restaurant, you should never rush off and forget your credit card when your buddies plan on sticking around for a few more beers because there is a 100 percent chance they will take your receipt for $14.28 and add a $455.72 gratuity.

DON'T GO IN FIRST.

Unless you are rolling as a party of one, you never want to be the first guy to walk into a place. It doesn't matter what kind of place -- bar, store, synagogue, etc. -- because your buddies, who are right behind you, are legally required to yell, as loud as they can, "HEY EVERYBODY! I'M HERE!"

BENCH SEAT = BAD IDEA (JEANS).

If, for some strange reason, you and two other guys ever find yourself riding in the cab of a truck, you never want to be the one in the middle. Seriously, you're better off riding in the bed with the rusty knife collection you're transporting. That's because, ironically enough, whoever ends up sitting on the far right really is in the driver's seat. Here's why: The first red light you come to the guy on the right leans over and honks the horn repeatedly before ducking down to leave behind what appears to be two guys sitting really close to one another.

AVOID EYE CONTACT.

Let's be honest, I could devote an entire Guy Code column to the men's room. Instead let's focus on the most important rule having to do with it: Avoiding eye contact. I'm dead serious on this one. It doesn't matter if a kidnapper says he'll give you your wife back if you simply go into the men's room and make eye contact with another dude, don't do it.

On a related note, no two guys should ever shake hands in there either. (This shouldn't be a problem, though, if they were following the eye contact thing because they wouldn't have even known anybody else was in there in the first place).

LEAVE THE SUNTAN LOTION AT HOME.

There isn't a single scenario possible, not even if your friend has no arms and his sunscreen comes with a high-powered spray nozzle, where one guy is obligated to help another guy put on suntan lotion. Period. End of story.

NEVER ADMIT TO WATCHING "THE BACHELOR."

I feel like this one's pretty self-explanatory. Which reminds me ...

ALWAYS DVR "THE BACHELOR."

That way you can skip through the commercials.

KEEP YOUR CELLPHONE IN SIGHT AT ALL TIMES.

Back to Rule No. 1. Worst-case scenario: By leaving your bill unattended, the worst you can lose is money. But leave your cellphone lying around, and the stakes get much higher.

For instance, somebody else could, oh, I don't know, switch your ex-girlfriend's number (who you tend to call late at night when you're drunk) to your grandmother's (who doesn't know what a "Texas two-step" is or why her grandson is asking for one).

CLOSE YOUR E-MAIL WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR DESK.

Never, under any circumstances, should a guy ever leave his e-mail program up and running when he walks away from his desk, unless he is prepared for 200 of his closest friends (or his entire office) to get a, "Does anybody have an extra ticket to see the Jonas Brothers tonight?" e-mail.

In closing, guys, always keep these important rules in mind. And get out of the sun because you're starting to burn.

Bryce Donovan also thinks a guy should never eat quiche. Unless it's made by a friend's sister who is really hot. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.