Manage yourself, conflict

There's one in nearly every work group -- that certain someone whose words and/or demeanor gets you all fired up. It may be that their opinions and values are worlds apart from yours. Perhaps they are openly hostile to you or your personalities clash. But whatever the reason for the conflict, you can't avoid or ignore that annoying work colleague because your job requires you to interact with them.

So what's a professional gal to do? What all savvy business women do: Take the personal high road of managing yourself to success!

The personal high road to success requires you to take control of the one thing that you do control -- and that's yourself. While the temptation to fire off a snarky retort is alluring after that individual has verbally zinged you, it isn't a politically astute move on your part, whether you are conversing one-on-one or in a group setting. What you must first manage is your attitude.

Philosopher Abraham Hicks offers this insight: "Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn't until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place."

Think first, don't immediately react when provoked. Move away from your sense of rightness to avoid a confrontation, which serves no one well professionally. This is the time to be cool, calm and collected, demonstrating your personal savvy and self-control.

Next, understand and master your own intentions. Are you operating from the "I win, you lose" position or from a "win-win" standpoint? Astute businesswomen operate from the perspective of seeking win-win outcomes. Always seek to understand the motivation of the other party, e.g., is their intention that you lose so they can win?

Susan Lankton-Rivas, a consultant with Insight Performance Inc., offers this advice: "Try to understand the other person's point of view and how he or she arrived at it." Understanding why this person annoys you helps you manage your reaction.

When it comes time to deal with the situation, control your communication style and message so there is total alignment between what you say and how you say it. The National Network for Women's Employment offers a thorough definition of communication style and message by saying, "Keep in mind it's not just what you say that matters. It's also how you say it, how you act and your body language."

Advising a colleague in a sharp tone of voice that there's a problem you want to discuss with her -- and doing so with your arms tightly folded across your chest -- sets off his or her internal alarms and doesn't set a good foundation for the two of you to productively talk through and resolve the issue.

As singer Garth Brooks reminds us, "The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself." Learning to master your own attitude, intentions and communication style forms the bedrock for knowing how to effectively manage conflict at work, a topic to watch for in a future column.

Jane Perdue is a consultant, coach, speaker, author, and the CEO of The Braithewaite Group.The Job Coaches are experienced volunteers from the Center for Women's Job Counseling Program. Ask them a question by calling 763-7333 or e-mailing info@c4women.org. If you would like further assistance, make an appointment; a donation of $10 is requested for appointments.