Euro gonna regret letting Bryce into your country

Europe is an amazing place.

The unbelievable sights. The fascinating sounds. The really friendly people.

Of course, I'm referring to European porn, which comes on public television.

Yep, you read right. Every night around 10 o'clock or so, one of the local affiliates makes the seamless transition from infomercials to hard-core pornography, proving once again that regardless of this world's cultural differences, there's always the universal language of '70s bass guitar and oiled up cable guys.

This was just one of the many bizarre and entertaining experiences from my recent two-week trip to Spain and Italy. Accompanying me on this journey of a lifetime was my lovely wife, which reminds me: Guys, if you enjoy being married, don't travel with your wife.

JUST KIDDING! What I actually meant to say is traveling with a spouse is a great way to learn more about yourselves. For example, I learned that sometimes I can be uptight, overbearing and inconsiderate. And my wife learned that, even in a foreign land, she's still always right.

Seriously though, long-distance travel is the ultimate test of any relationship, and I can honestly say my wife and I passed with flying colors, thus ensuring we will forever remain traveling partners. Provided wherever we go has lots of beer.

But in addition to learning valuable lessons about myself and my marriage, my journey from the heart of Spain to the canals of Venice taught me a lot about European ...

Languages.

For instance, when visiting a foreign country, it goes a long way with the locals if you can speak their language. So when we were in Italy, I made it a point to master a few expressions, thus proving I wasn't your typical lazy American. You know, conversational things like, "Do you speak English?" and "I don't speak Italian."

Bathrooms.

Unlike in the States, many European hotels have shared bathrooms. However, in Madrid, we were lucky enough to snag a room with its own toilet, sink and shower. It even had a floor-mounted water fountain, which really came in handy when I would wake up in the middle of the night completely parched from having too much wine at dinner.

Never saw any bidets though.

Food.

We ate pizza in Naples, paella in Seville and arancini (fried rice balls -- you know, now that I think about it, I sure hope the waiter didn't say "mice") in Rome. We drank wine in Madrid, brandy in Seville and limoncello in Ravello. But our most sophisticated dinner took place in Seville. While wandering the streets one night looking for a place to eat, my wife and I happened along this charming little restaurant in a back alley. We took a seat, ate some olives and bread, looked at the menu, smiled at one another, and walked back out the door because we couldn't afford a glass of water there.

Sounds.

One night while lying on the bed with the veranda doors open, I took a moment to drink in all the wonderful sounds of Spain. Dogs barking, men talking in the street below, my wife asking those men if they'd like to come up to our room, etc. It truly was magical.

Travel.

Forget renting a car. That's for amateurs. To be a real European, you need to skip showering for four days and then cram yourself onto public transit. Now you're a local!

All told, during our trip, we used just about every mode of transportation possible: planes, trains, taxis, boats, buses, even the subway. But the highlight would have to be when our small commuter plane landed in Naples and the entire cabin broke into applause. As if living were somehow an upgrade usually only reserved for first-class passengers.

All in all, my European vacation was everything I had hoped it would be -- and more.

I came back with tons of memories, a better appreciation of foreign cultures and, most importantly, the name of a good plumber who can get me one of those sweet bathroom water fountains.

Bryce Donovan accidentally called a woman a "senor" at one point and nearly got himself killed. (In his defense, she was kind of manish.) Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.