As seen on TV

With all due respect to Paula Abdul, when it comes to on-air presence there's nobody better than Warren Peper.

You can have your Brian Williamses and your Katie Courics. I'll take "The Doctor" every time. (That's what I call him.) (Not to his face though.) (I mean, I try to, it's just that every time I see him around the office, I get nervous because he's so handsome and end up panicking and forgetting my catchy nickname so I usually end up saying something like "Mrrpff.") (Luckily he thinks my name is Brian.)

Now I don't just say this because the longtime local TV personality works for us now, but rather because he has naked photos of me driving a Pontiac Aztek.

I also say it because he seems to handle even the most awkward TV experiences with poise, aplomb and several other adjectives I don't know the meaning of.

Exhibit A: When I came on his weekly show "In the News" last week stammering, mumbling and babbling my way through our four-minute segment on the topic of what it's like writing for the newspaper, Warren didn't miss a beat, rescuing me from gaffes like repeating myself, cussing like a sailor and repeating myself. Which brings me to the theme of this week's column (please don't get used to them having themes): How to act when you're on television.

Why should you care about this, you ask? Well, being from the South, there's a really a good chance each and every one of us will at some point witness a flying saucer and end up on the evening news.

This column will help you not look like the typical face of South Carolina. ("Well Tom, I'd have to say it kinda looked like a blinky Winnebago in the sky.") And since I clearly have no credibility on the subject, we're going to base these five tips on the man himself, "WarP Speed." (This is another one of my nicknames for Warren.) (I also occasionally mix in "Pep Rally," "Peper-oni" and "Is Debi Chard really as awesome as she seems?")

So when your 15 minutes comes a-knockin', remember to ...

1. Be handsome. "But Bryce," you might be whining, "that's not really something I have control of." Well, wiggety wah. Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to witness that 18-wheeler crashing into a building and catching on fire.
2. Have perfect hair. Again, you bunch of babies are probably playing the "genetics" card on this one. Well, let me tell you something: Conan O'Brien is actually balder than Dr. Phil and yet he turned his chrome dome into an Emmy award-winning combover. So enough with the excuses already.
3. Avoid using the expression "that's what she said" after everything the interviewer says. To be perfectly honest, I don't understand why this is the case, seeing as it is comedy gold, but I'm just going to have to trust Warren on this one. After all, he's the complete package. That's what she ... nevermind.
4. Smile a lot. A nice smile can go a long way when you're on camera. Now I'm not talking about the "Whoa, how many people do you think that dude has in his freezer?" sort of smile, but rather the relaxed, "Oh, wow, you've been writing that boring newspaper column for seven years? That is fascinating" sort of smile.
5. Pretend the camera isn't there. Let's be honest: Being on a brightly lit set with a handsome, smiling person with perfect hair can be intimidating. So use the power of your imagination to make the camera disappear. That way you're left to relax and simply focus on having a casual conversation on a brightly lit set with a handsome, smiling person with perfect hair.

So there you go. Tips from a novice who watched an expert dealing with a novice when he probably should have been more focused on the things coming out of his mouth.

In closing, that's what she said. (Sorry, Warren.)

Several states have made it a felony to have Bryce Donovan on TV. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.