Now you know II

BRYCE'S NOTE: This is part two of my thought-provoking series on things everybody should know how to do. Last week, I addressed such subjects as how to give good directions, how to jump a dead car battery and how to stretch one column on things everybody should know how to do into two.

So let's see, where were we?

Oh, right. People are morons.

Obviously, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to everybody else. But just for the heck of it, why don't you read along. You know, just to, um, make sure I have all my facts straight.

For instance, I think everybody should know how to ...

5) Put out a grease fire.

How many times have you been deep frying an entire box of Twinkies when the grease from the empty Folgers can catches on fire because it was too close to the living room drapes and it nearly burns down your grandmother's house? If you're anything like me, then the answer is "twice."

But don't despair. The solution is simple: Ignore your instincts. I'm not kidding. When a grease fire happens, don't throw water on it. This will only cause it to spread. The key to slowing a grease fire is to cover it with a metal lid or smother it with baking soda. Or, if you don't have either one of those, grandma's tarp-sized underwear should do just fine.

4) Drive in the proper lane.

If I were to ask you to rate your driving ability, you'd probably say, "excellent."

You'd probably also say you're a good story teller and easy to get along with. That's because you're an idiot. Virtually everybody on the road (with the exception of me) could use a few pointers when it comes to being a better driver.

Things like always remembering to buckle up, slowing down when it's raining, and how that little stick thingy on the side of the steering wheel allows you to tell other drivers which way you plan on turning.

The same can be said for lanes. On the highway, each one has a specific purpose. Quite simply, the right lane is for slow traffic and the left is for fast -- and that one old dude going 30 with his blinker on.

3) Sew on a button.

For some reason, this is an extremely intimidating thing for men. But guys, trust me when I say it's easier than you think. Simply take the detached button, a needle, some matching thread and call your mother. (NOTE: If your mother is deceased, sorry, you're just going to have to throw out the garment.)

2) Properly use words.

Yes, I realize I could spend an entire column talking about people's hilarious grammatical misusings, but instead I'm going to focus on three specific words I see used incorrectly all the time.

-- THERE/THEIR

There means "in or at that place." Their means "of or belonging to them."

INCORRECT: "I'm not going over their to the neighbor's house because it smells like a dead body in there basement."

CORRECT: "I'm not going over there to the neighbor's house because it smells like a dead body in their basement."

-- TO/TOO

To is a preposition that expresses direction or motion toward a point. Too means "in addition."

INCORRECT: "If you look too the side of the house, you can see where the neighbors have stolen our cable, to."

CORRECT: "If you look to the side of the house, you can see where the neighbors have stolen our cable, too."

-- THEN/THAN

Then means "at that time." Than is used to introduce the second member of an unequal comparison.

INCORRECT: "Honey, did you realize Bill is taller then I am? I noticed that when he and Sharon were stealing our cable and putting that big garbage bag in their basement rather then cutting the grass."

CORRECT: "Maybe we should call the police and tell them about the neighbors."

1) Load a dishwasher.

If you don't learn anything else from this column (aside from to never read it again), please promise me that you will retain this one. Utensils go in the dishwasher -- wait for it, ladies and gentlemen -- POINTY-SIDE DOWN.

Look, I realize this might sound incredibly obvious to most of you, but I think we all know at least one person in our lives who puts the forks, steak knives, machetes, poison-tipped needles, etc., in the dishwasher with the points facing up.

Let me make this clear: THIS IS INSANE.

You can argue until you're blue in the face about how much cleaner they get when put them in the dishwasher that way but I'm going to be completely honest with you, I'm not paying attention to a word you're saying because I'M IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH A KNIFE IN MY ARM!

So, yeah. Pointy-side down. OK?

Well there you go. The Top 10 things everybody should know how to do.

Again, this column was strictly for all the dumb people out there and not you. So do me a favor and share it with as many of them as you can.

But before you do, you might want to zip up your fly.

Bryce Donovan is glad their is a forum for him too share his thoughts on a weekly basis. Reach him with yours at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.