Girls, boys urged to speak up

Lindsey Foster had her first boyfriend when she was in middle school.

"I really liked him, but I never thought he would notice me," says the 24-year-old nursing student. "So when he asked me out, I was thrilled."

The relationship lasted about six months, but for much of that time, Foster kept a secret: Her boyfriend had a habit of putting her down.

"I knew that I didn't like some of the things he said to me, but I didn't realize there was anything wrong with it," she says. "For instance, he would call me ugly or fat or tell me I was lucky to have him. I didn't tell anyone at the time."

After about six months, Foster and the boy broke up, and in time, she realized that the relationship was destructive.

"I know it wouldn't have gotten better," she says. "But I wonder now how much worse it might have gotten. A couple of times, he threatened me or was violent with things around me, like slamming doors or throwing things. He never actually hit me, but it scared me."

Foster eventually told her mother details of the relationship. Mary Foster says she was surprised.

"I had no idea what was going on at the time," she says. "I realized Lindsey seemed a little withdrawn and sullen, but she was a teenager, so I thought that went with the territory. Besides, I liked the boy and never would have imagined he'd be like that."

Unfortunately, teen dating violence is nothing new, according to researchers. It crosses all racial, economic and social lines. And like Lindsey Foster, many youngsters hide it, so their parents have no idea.

As many as 1 in 3 teens has been abused in a relationship, according to a June 2009 survey of more than 3,000 youths by DoSomething.org, a national organization dedicated to teens and social change. And most stay in the relationship after the first act of violence.

The abuse often starts with teasing and name calling, which many youngsters believe to be a normal part of a relationship, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. But that behavior can lead to more serious abuse.

"Emotional abuse often leads to physical or sexual abuse," says Terri Graham, a family counselor who lives in Mount Pleasant. "And the number of kids who think this is normal is shocking."

The CDC says there are three common types of dating abuse:

--Emotional abuse (name calling, teasing, threats, accusations, keeping a teen away from friends and family, etc.).

--Physical abuse (pinching, hitting, shoving, etc.).

--Sexual abuse (unwanted touching, forced sexual activity, etc.).

Most often, boys are the abusers and girls are the victims, but that's not always the case. The National Center for the Victims of Crime's National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative shows that both males and females are victims, but are abusive in different ways. Girls are more likely to yell, threaten to hurt themselves, pinch, slap, scratch or kick, while boys injure girls more severely and frequently.

Teens who are abused are more likely to do poorly in school, engage in unhealthy behaviors, be angry or stressed or even attempt suicide, according to the CDC. Abused teens often become abusers themselves.

"Teens often have this unrealistic, romantic view of love," Graham says. "And they often view their partner's jealousy and possessiveness as romantic. In addition, many think it's normal because their friends are being treated the same way by their boyfriends or girlfriends. But they need to know that no one deserves to be abused or threatened."

This fall, DoSomething.org and Liz Claiborne Inc. are launching a new initiative to educate middle and high school students about dating abuse.

Liz Claiborne has been working to end domestic violence through its "Love is Not Abuse" curriculum since 1991. In 2006, it partnered with the National Domestic Violence Hotline to launch loveisrespect.org and, in 2007, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.

"We know that alarmingly high numbers of teens are experiencing dating abuse and violence, and they want to do something about the problem," says Jane Randel, vice president of corporate communications for Liz Claiborne. "Partnering with DoSomething.org, we hope to help teens get more involved in introducing the Love Is Not Abuse curriculum to schools and ensuring that there is teen dating abuse education in every middle school and high school in the country."

Locally, My Sister's House helps abuse victims through services such as a 24-hour crisis line, an emergency shelter, support groups, counseling, victim advocacy and community education.

Recently, the organization launched a Web site, teendatingviolence.ning.com, patterned after popular social networking sites.

"I know that this curriculum will not only increase the knowledge of students as it relates to dating violence, but it will assist with saving lives," said My Sister's House Executive Director Elmire Raven.

The site, which provides teens with a virtual meeting place to connect with friends while learning to identify danger signs in dating relationships, uses features such as custom home pages, videos, forums, chat and contests similar to sites such as Facebook and MySpace.

Teen Dating Violence site members can create profiles, invite friends to join, post their thoughts and share photos.

The site has a separate page for boys.

"It's important to realize they can be victims as well," says Sarah Baird of My Sister's House.

In addition, parents and educators can view facts and videos about recognizing and preventing teen dating violence.

Online lessons, quizzes and completion certificates provide tools to engage teens in testing their dating violence knowledge.

The group hopes the site will attract teens nationally.

"We're trying to get the word out," Baird says.

The site was designed by My Sister's House volunteer Diana Himes.

"Dating violence is not a comfortable topic for parents," Himes says. "The site gives some ideas for parents about how to get the conversation started. The idea was to try to bring all the information into one spot."

My Sister's House will continue to manage the site and add new content.

"Unfortunately, I didn't have the information 10 years ago to know that what I was going through was wrong," Lindsey Foster says. "But I really believe it's important for teens to be informed, and for their parents to know how to recognize the signs. It could save lives."

Brenda Rindge can be reached at 937-5713 or brindge@postandcourier.com.