Now you know

And knowing is half the battle (the other half being money)

BRYCE'S NOTE: I don't normally do this -- "this" being actually trying to teach you something in this space -- but for some reason, I felt compelled to share these things this week in the hopes of making the world a better place. OK, so not necessarily a better place, but at least a place where more people can tie their own shoelaces.

Let's be honest: People are idiots.

I mean, think about it. Why are there "Caution: Hot" labels on fast-food coffee? Why do parking lots with those big metal teeth on the ground also have signs that say, "Do not enter"? Why does Keanu Reeves keep getting work?

It's not because most people get a kick out of irony. It's because most people have the IQ of a waffle iron.

A prime example is when you're out on the road and you hear an ambulance siren, so you calmly slow down and pull over to the right, which according to all emergency officials is the proper (and legal) thing to do, and at the exact same time the person behind you floors it in an attempt to pass you while the car to your left pulls into the median, all of which distracts you from the fact that the car directly in front of you has decided to come to a complete stop in the middle of the CRASH! (Better send another ambulance.)

This week, I'm going to try to explain, in simple and plain English, 10 things everybody should know how to do in this apparently way-too-complicated game we call "life."

Things like how to ...

10. Give directions.

Why is it that when asked, "How do I get to the interstate?" most people hear, "Excuse me, would you mind telling me the name of every single street in the city as well as every single thing I might encounter along those streets en route to my desired destination? Thanks."

When it comes to giving directions, keep it simple. At the third intersection, take a left. Two miles. On the right. Done. End of directions. Not, "At the next light you'll see a rusted streetlight on your right. Turn left. Are we straight? Then you'll go right down to the next intersection, where you're going to want to turn left. Alright?"

9. Hold a baby.

I know all the men out there are like, "Why would I ever need to know how to hold a baby?" Good point. But guys, let's say your apartment building is on fire and you've already retrieved your flat-screen TV, "movie" collection and whoopee cushion. You've got two empty hands (and yes, you're out of beer). You notice a crying baby in an unattended crib. Simply place the baby's head in the crook of your arm and put your other arm around the baby. Now you're properly holding a baby. It's just that simple. Don't be that idiot who grabs the child by its waist and watches, mouth agape, as the baby's 85-pound head bobs around like a Weeble Wobble on a waterbed.

8. Change a flat tire.

I see this one abused all the time. Somebody gets a flat tire, and almost immediately they try to fix it themselves. What are you, trying to put AAA out of business? Come on, folks. That's what they're there for. (Now if for some reason they aren't answering their phone and it's an emergency, put the car in park and apply the emergency brake. Loosen the lug nuts BEFORE jacking up the car. Then, jack it up, take the lugs completely off, put the new tire on, replace the lugs loosely, lower the jack and then tighten the lugs. Then, once you've realized you changed the wrong tire, repeat the process on the flat one and you're good to go.)

7. Jump a dead battery.

I once watched a dude completely melt his car battery and nearly set his vehicle on fire because the dipstick hooked up his jumper cables to the wrong terminals. Needless to say, I won't make that mistake again. Real simple: Red is positive, black is negative. Put one red on the dead battery and the other on the good one. Now put the black clamp on the good battery and the other black clamp on your friend who has a really hot girlfriend who's out of his league. No, wait! I mean, put the other black clamp on a metal part of the engine (like the engine block) to ground it (not kidding). Start the car with the dead battery and you should be back up and running, good as new. You know, assuming you don't need to turn your car off for the next couple of months.

6. Stretch one column into two.

Make sure to write really long sentences, padding them with expressions such as "If you catch my drift" and "You know." Also, slip in the occasional "and by (blank) I actually mean (blank)" and you'll be golden. Also, don't forget to end the first column with something witty so that you keep your readers wanting more.

Which reminds me: To be continued ...

Next week Bryce Donovan will explain things like which lane slow/Aztek drivers should be in, how to put out a grease fire and the proper way to load a dishwasher so that you don't cause major arterial damage to the person unloading it. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.