Are you ready for some faux pas?

So it's the day of the big game. You've got your HDTV ready, the fridge fully stocked and all of your closest pals on the way to the house.

About the time you're setting out the munchies it hits you: You don't have any friends, three Yoo-Hoos doesn't exactly constitute a "stocked" fridge, and "Who puts out a fruit plate for themselves?"

Well, I'm here to help you change all that. First, you need to get yourself some good guy friends. To do that you need to stop volunteering to host baby showers, sign up for some recreational league sports and trade in that wimpy Prius for a big truck. (Yes, it can be a hybrid.)

OK, so now you're halfway there. In order to make your house the coveted destination on game day, you need to follow these handy do's and don'ts on hosting a manly party.

In no time you'll be the talk of the town. Mainly by women's rights groups and the occasional child going, "Why does that house have an inflatable nurse sitting on the porch?" But still, you'll be more popular than you ever thought possible, assuming you ...

DO offer your guests something to eat.

DON'T announce that dinner's ready with the phrase, "Who's hungry for sausage?"

DO offer plenty of seating for everyone.

DON'T sit more than one dude to a couch.

DO make sure you have your remote ready to switch between all the games.

DON'T let your friends get a hold of it so they can see that you Tivo'ed every episode of "Spice Up My Kitchen."

DO make sure your house is clean before your guests arrive.

DON'T ask your wife to help because she'll actually make you clean stuff. (Yeah, with, like, chemicals and dust cloths.)

DO comment on the nice play Tom Brady just made.

DON'T comment on how you wish he'd play more games with his shirt off.

DO make sure there is plenty of toilet paper in the bathroom.

DON'T ask "OK, who forgot to put the lid down?" when you go in there.

DO give your guests a non-alcoholic drinking option.

DON'T forget to put tiny little umbrellas in their Shirley Temples.

DO allow your guests to wear jerseys.

DON'T let the dogs out of your sight if one of them says "Vick" on the back.

DO encourage people to cheer loudly for the team, even if it's the team that just scored on your team.

DON'T forget to tell them to shut up afterward.

DO pass the time by recalling great games from the past.

DON'T forget to get the expressed, written consent of the National Football League first, though.

DO invite your pals to bring over the family.

DON'T ever invite them to another party if they actually thought you were being serious.

HOSTING TIP NO. 65: When making a manly comment about how much Tony Romo screwed up by dumping Jessica Simpson, don't get flustered and accidentally interchange the names.

Bryce Donovan thinks two TVs are always better than one, but don't make the same mistake he did and put them both in your bedroom. Because it's kind of awkward when you have to reach for the guacamole across the bed — and your pal. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.