Here comes the bride, there goes the pride

Weddings are those rare events that seem to always bring out the best in everyone. Unless they're dry. Then they're miserable.

But lucky for me, the one I attended last weekend in Vermont was not. (NOTE: I had the best red wine I've ever had there, Girl on the Hill.)

Before I go any further, let me just say that Vermont is easily one of the most beautiful states in all of eastern Canada.

Of course I'm only joking. I know they don't call them states up there.

But you want to talk about cold? Wow. I mean, do you realize how far north that place is? We're talking even with Maine. Yeah, Maine. As in, the state nobody ever visits because it's SO FAR NORTH.

Anyway, you know how people are always saying how green it is up there? Well, they're not lying. But you know what else it is? Hairy. I'm not even kidding. Seriously, every dude up there looks like a 19th-century president. Anyway, I'm getting away from my point, and that is: I mean, even the kids have full beards. Sorry. What I'm trying to say is weddings, when properly bartended, can not only be fun, they also can be informative.

For instance, here are just a few things I learned at this wedding ...

Guys don't dance. Ever.

Unless "I'm just a girl" by No Doubt comes on and they can't resist showing off their pole dancing skills so they wrap their legs around a wooden column next to the dance floor and end up getting a splinter in my thigh. Their thigh.

You never know who you'll meet.

Sure there's always the usual cast of characters you meet for the first time, like the grandmother of the groom, the groom, the bride, etc., but it's the peripheral players who often seem to leave the strongest impressions. Take my buddy Mike's good friend, "The Beer Monster," for example. After about six or seven (teen) cocktails, Mike invited him into the room, by which I mean he unbuttoned his own dress shirt, pulled his undershirt over his head and then proceeded to drink an entire beer through it.

I can honestly say not only will I never forget The Beer Monster, but the odds are pretty good I also will be haunted by the image of his hairy nipples for the rest of my life.

Sometimes children are in attendance.

Next time you decide to stand up and give a speech in honor of the happy couple, make sure there are no children around before you start swearing like a character in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Sure, some might say you should just avoid swearing altogether, but come on, where the hell's the fun in that?

There's always that one guy.

You know who I'm talking about. The dude who started drinking three hours before the wedding and just 15 minutes into the reception is hitting on the mother of the groom. Which is particularly awkward when that guy is the groom.

There's always that one girl.

Again, you know who I'm talking about. She's the one who, when the bouquet gets tossed, turns into an NFL linebacker. She'll pull grandma's blue hair and put a knee in her sister's back if it means catching that bouquet.

So the next time you're at a wedding, take a moment to drink it in. After all, weddings are truly special events that should be appreciated by everyone involved. Personally, I recommend pulling your undershirt over your face and chugging a beer.

Bryce Donovan doesn't have enough clothes (or facial hair, for that matter) to make a return trip to Vermont anytime soon. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.