Driving under the influence of stupidity

When asked, most people would say they're good drivers.

However, the fundamental problem with that theory is that most people are also idiots.

So, as you can see, clearly we have a conflict here. Which is why this week I'm going to help you determine just how good a driver you really are by asking tough questions like, "What is the best time to tailgate?" and, "Which of the following weapons should you not point at someone who cut you off?" I will weed out those of you who probably shouldn't be on the road.

So get out your No. 2 pencils and grab a piece of paper and take this quiz to find out just where you rank. (NOTE: If you are taking this quiz on a computer, there is no need for paper; just write your answers on the screen.)

1. When driving behind another vehicle, I typically:

A. Make sure to observe the "two-second rule," giving me ample time to slow down should the car in front of me come to a sudden and unexpected stop.

B. Check my mirrors to make sure there's room in the other lane should I need to swerve.

C. Can see what radio station the car in front of me is listening to.

2. When you come upon a stopped school bus with its red lights flashing, you should stop:

A. If it is going the same direction as you.

B. If it is going the same direction as you or the other direction as well.

C. Sniffing glue until you are completely out of sight of impressionable youths.

3. I honk my horn only when:

A. Somebody cuts me off.

B. The car in front of me is backing up and doesn't see me.

C. My car is running.

4. A traffic signal with a flashing red light means:

A. Stop.

B. Yield.

C. It's broken.

5. Road rage is:

A. When someone gets overly upset because they've been cut off or somebody made a rude gesture.

B. Scary because you never know how many crazy people out there are carrying guns in their glove compartments.

C. Justified if the car in front of you is a Honda Element. (Writer's note: Pontiac Aztek, this is your one free pass.)

6. A double line that is solid on your side and broken on the other means:

A. Reduce your speed.

B. Do not pass.

C. Whoever was supposed to paint those lines probably should be fired.

7. The average drive is typically:

A. Less than 30 miles.

B. When you are most likely to be involved in an accident.

C. Barely enough time for me to clip my toenails.

8. If a traffic light turns yellow as I'm approaching the intersection, I:

A. Check my rear-view mirror to make sure nobody is tailgating and then quickly come to a stop.

B. Assess my distance to the intersection and the likelihood I can safely come to a stop.

C. Punch it while humming the "Dukes of Hazzard" theme song.

9. If you drive defensively, you are:

A. Making sure there is plenty of room between you and the car ahead.

B. Scanning the horizon so that you will be prepared for any possible hazards.

C. A wuss.

10. The best way to keep from hydroplaning is to:

A. Avoid puddles.

B. Apply the brakes firmly.

C. Drive instead of fly.

11. Turn signals:

A. Should always be used when changing lanes.

B. Should be turned on at least 150 feet before your upcoming turn.

C. Spoil the surprise.

12. When driving in fog, you should always use:

A. Fog lights only.

B. Low beams.

C. A pirate accent while talking on your cell phone to get in the mood.

13. The best time to change the radio station is when:

A. You are at a stoplight.

B. No one is around you.

C. Anything by Lady Gaga comes on.

14. One of the most dangerous things a person can do while behind the wheel is:

A. Talk on a cell phone.

B. Apply makeup.

C. Enter the state of South Carolina.

15. Complete this sentence: If I'm driving and a cop comes up behind me, I always _:

A. Check to make sure I'm going exactly the speed limit.

B. Get off the phone.

C. Seem to have just opened my third beer.

How to score yourself:

If you answered C fewer than two times, congratulations, you're 10 years old and can't legally drive. If you answered C two to four times, chances are you're an average driver. And if you answered C more than four times, well, Dad, I think you probably should look into taking cabs everywhere in the future.

Bryce Donovan got nearly 50 percent of these questions right, which means he's now qualified to operate a school bus. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.