There's no treat in being tricked

We grow up so quickly.

One Halloween we're dressing up as Mickey Mouse to go trick-or-treating, and the next we're staying at home so we can hand out Fun Size Snickers bars to all the kids who come to our front door. Granted, in my particular case, it actually was last year I dressed up as Mickey Mouse (and, Mom, I'm sorry about your pantyhose, I promise to get you a new pair), but still, I'm not going to lie: Those last 365 days sure went fast.

Which technically means I'm a grown-up now. (Next stop, big boy pants!) Which I've found entails putting on a big, fake smile and pretending to be excited about handing out candy to a bunch of mute little ungrateful kids who can't even remember their one stupid line.

(Door bell rings.)

ME: (Opening door.) "Well, hey there!"

KIDS:

ME: (Long, awkward silence.) "What do you say?"

KIDS: (Another long, awkward silence.) "Do you have any Kit Kats?"

Stupid kids.

I can tell you this much: Next year, if you want to come trick-or-treating to my house, there are going to be rules. For instance ...

No. 1: You've got to be something I've heard of.

Look, just because I'm getting older doesn't mean I'm not still hip and up on my prop culture, so can you please try to come up with a costume that is at least semi-current? I mean, there's nothing worse than some cute little boy coming up to the front door and he has some dirt smudged on his forehead, a graduation gown on and is carrying a conductor's wand while telling you his name is 'Larry the Potter' or some other made-up name like that. I mean, would it kill you kids to actually read a book every once in a while?

No. 2: Avoid the tricks.

Seriously, I find nothing funny about having my house toilet papered, egged or covered in shaving cream. But if for some reason you absolutely must do this, at least have the common courtesy to avoid shaving dirty words into my dogs, too.

No. 3: You've got to say, 'Trick or treat.'

At risk of sounding like my grandfather (who used to make us say 'trick or treat' before we could even go to the bathroom), this is the deal. You say the line, I give you candy. That's how it works. If you stand there without saying anything while Dad lingers by the street texting his wife that the crotchety old man down the street from them appears to be on to their son's Larry the Potter gimmick, no candy for you!

No. 4: 11:17 p.m. is way too late.

First of all, what is an 8-year-old still doing up at that hour? And second, can't you see my wife and I are enjoying the bowl of Butterfingers you and your grubby little friends forfeited a good two hours ago?

No. 5: Get off the phone when I come to the door.

These days, even 6-year-olds seem to have their own cell phones, so kids, do me a favor and please hang up when I come to the door (or at least tell the person to 'hang on'). Not only is it the polite thing to do, but it also makes it easier for you to hear me when I say, 'Get off my property!'

So there they are. Parents, tell your kids to follow those simple rules and next year they can have all the candy they want if they visit my house. Just keep in mind that if the dogs are out front, they might also learn a few new words.

Bryce Donovan wants to know why more women don't wear pantyhose. These things are great! Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.