How to be the best best man

Last weekend was my best friend's wedding. I was the best man. Well, co-best man. He also made his little brother one. You know, just in case I were to get sick. Or forget that his wedding was actually two weekends ago.

I kid. I actually remembered to show up at the right place and time. Forgot my tux, but hey, at least my jeans shorts matched the bridesmaids' dresses. OK, so they were acid washed and didn't match at all, but still, at least they didn't have my name written in glitter across the butt. Wait. I did end up wearing those. You know what? Forget I mentioned that. What's important here is that, all things considered, my buddy's wedding went really well and I had a fairly successful stint as best man.

That's why this week I've decided — since the majority of my male readership over the age of 10 probably will end up being one at some point in their lifetime (Quick math: That's comes to a possible two people. If you count my dad. Twice.) — to share with you my handy tips for being the best best man possible.

Let's get the ball rolling with the fact that ...

Clergy can be kind of touchy.

OK, first of all, how was I supposed to know swearing was frowned upon in a church? And second, tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing if your favorite inflatable nurse got a tear in her leg when she snagged on one of the pews.

Plan a memorable bachelor party.

Let's face it, if you're a guy, the odds are pretty good you're also a moron. Which means the groom probably won't end up trusting you to do something this important, so just sit back and wait until somebody tells you when your flight leaves for Vegas.

Help the groom dress for the ceremony.

This is pretty basic advice. All you have to do is make sure he has all his formal wear (cufflinks, bow tie, garter belt, etc.) and that he gets ready on time. However, don't take this piece of advice literally like I did. As if putting on a cummerbund wasn't awkward enough by yourself.

Make a memorable toast.

When toasting the groom, a sure-fire way to please the crowd is to tell an embarrassing story about him. However, in doing so, make sure to avoid references to any of the following:

--Ex-girlfriends.

--Prior arrests.

--Excess consumption of alcohol.

--The bachelor party.

--That spider monkey we rented for Steve's 21st birthday party that ended up attacking Steve's face so we had to catch it in a sleeping bag and then take it to the emergency vet, who ended up having to put it down.

Come to think of it, on second thought, just wish him and his bride good luck and leave it at that. Speaking of making toasts, learn from my mistakes when I say ...

Remember that the rehearsal comes BEFORE the rehearsal dinner.

Keeping this fact in mind will allow the bride to focus all her wrath where it belongs: on the wedding planner or, for the 50-plus years after the wedding, her new husband.

Don't try to be clever during the pictures.

Trust me when I tell you that putting "rabbit ears" on the bride isn't quite as funny as you might think. Doing so most likely will result in you getting screamed at for the next 10-12 years. Or if you're lucky, just killed.

Decorate the groom's car in a classy manner.

You can't ever go wrong tying empty cans to the back bumper. But if you're looking to go the extra mile, get a bar of soap and write something clever on the windshield. However, if that something clever is "Remember to drink lots of Gatorade," just make sure the father of the bride isn't going to be the one pulling the car around for their getaway from the reception. Because nobody likes to see a grown man cry. While strangling the best man.

I'm sure I'm forgetting something here, but the most important thing to remember is that a good best man is there to provide support for his friend. By which I mean, always carry a roll of duct tape just in case you need to patch the inflatable nurse.

Bryce Donovan wants to wish all the best to Ann E and Tucker. You guys are awesome, and I love you both. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.