Riding your bike to work is cyclopathic

Last Friday was "National Ride Your Bike to Work Day." So naturally, with the weather a perfect 84 degrees and a gentle spring breeze in the air, I hailed a rickshaw.

Just kidding! I actually rode my bike to the office. Did I almost get hit by 25 cars along the way? Yes. And did I get a warning for indecent exposure because, and here I'm quoting the officer, "Both my partner and I threw up a little bit in our mouths when you rode by dressed in all spandex"? Possibly. (OK, yes.) But did I give Mother Nature a break from all my exhaust for an entire day? Mm, probably not. I had a breakfast burrito before I left the house.

But the point is, I did it. For 24 hours, I left the car in the driveway and pedaled my skinny butt to work. OK, so, yes, technically I didn't make the ride back. (I had my wife give me a ride home at the end of the day so I wouldn't have to relive that 17 minutes of terror.) But I can honestly say that my morning commute gave me a greater appreciation for cyclists. By which I mean, they are idiots.

Now please don't take offense, cyclists. I'm not using "idiot" in the classic Dr. Phil sense of the word, rather in the sense that with all the insane drivers and random obstacles out there you guys have to be a little bit nuts yourselves to take to the streets day after day.

Take my Friday commute, for example. On my one-way trip from West Ashley to downtown Charleston, I nearly ran over a pigeon, got honked at three times, passed two women arguing over which one of them was a "bigger prostitute" (If I had a vote, I'd say it was a tie.), was ridiculed at a stoplight by a driver who thought I was biking to work because I had gotten a DUI and narrowly avoided getting hit by a CARTA bus (Now in fairness to the driver, I was totally in the middle of the sidewalk.).

So I don't know how everyday cyclists do it. I mean, besides completely wearing me out, the entire experience just left me with a bunch of questions for them, such as:

--Are you supposed to ride with traffic or against it?

--What do you do when it's raining?

--Are your co-workers cool with you smelling like a fat rugby player all day long?

--Is it weird going through drive-thrus at lunch?

--How often do you have to shave your legs?

--Where do your kids sit when you take them to school?

--Does AAA's roadside assistance cover Huffys?

But mainly I walked away from my day of biking knowing that I am going to have to find something else to do to help out sweet old Mother Earth. Because when it comes to riding my beach cruiser to work, I'm afraid it's just not worth the hassle, by which I mean I enjoy living too much.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't even be participating in "National Ride Your Bike to Work Day" next year. Call me a party pooper if you will. But if somebody out there ever comes up with "National Drive Your Bike to Work Day," then I'll be the first one to sign up.

Which should work out way better because I'm pretty sure I have air in my car tires.

Bryce Donovan might not be a hard-core cyclist, but he is strongly considering getting some of those sweet rainbow-colored streamers for his car's side mirrors. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.