Leave-a, Las Vegas!

When gambling in Las Vegas, you should always make sure you understand the point of each game before playing. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a really awkward situation like I did at the craps table.

Anyway, moving along ... Last weekend, some friends and I went to Sin City, and during that time, we enjoyed several shows, lots of beautiful weather and some of the finest dining known to man.

HA! Yeah, right. We totally spent the entire time gambling (with exception of the two hours I was down at the police station trying to explain the "craps table incident"). The reason I bring this up is because even though I lost everything (I had more than 45 Cap'n Crunch UPC symbols in my wallet when we went out there.), I want to make sure nobody else out there ends up in the same position I did. Which is why I've decided to share some of the most valuable lessons I learned over the course of those 72 hours, so that should you ever venture to Las Vegas, you'll have the knowledge necessary to win big. And by win big, of course, I mean not sell your friend's insulin pump for three more spins at the roulette table. (In retrospect, I regret this decision.)

So let's start with lesson No. 1, which is:

Never hit on 5.

When playing blackjack, there are certain rules of thumb you always should follow: Split aces and 8s, double down when you've got 11 and the dealer is showing 6, and — this is a new one, so pay close attention — stay on 5. I base this on an experience I had at the Hard Rock Casino when this really drunk guy next to me decided not to take a card when he had a 3 and a 2. Now, to give you an idea of how idiotic/bizarre this is, the dealer at our table actually called over the pit boss to make sure it was OK for him to do this (After a lengthy discussion, they decided it was.). Moments later, the dealer proceeded to get two face cards to go with her 4 and busted. It's rare that you can ever say you're the first to do something in Vegas, but I suspect that might be the case here. So that said, as of this very moment, the odds of winning with 5 are 1 in 1.

Pit bosses are jerks.

A word of advice about pit bosses (the folks who are in charge of the casino floor): Don't waste your time trying to be friends with them. It is a scientific fact that 75 percent of them were named "Most Likely to Let a Small Amount of Power Go to Their Head" in their senior yearbook.

Beware of "free" drinks.

Call me crazy, but people who tell you drinks are free when you're sitting at a table gambling are on crack. Because let's face it, Vegas didn't make it all these years because everybody who goes out there wins. The real truth is that those "free" drinks probably will cost you around $100 a pop. So drink 'em fast so that your inevitable $200 donation to the blackjack table gets you more than two Bud Lights.

Avoid the buffet.

Whatever you do, don't go to one of the all-you-can-eat buffets because unless you are Kathleen Turner, you're not going to get your money's worth. Those things cost upwards of $50 a piece, and nobody I know can eat 25 crab legs, a roll of sushi and a ham omelette in one sitting to justify the price. So bring some potato chips and always keep a Ziploc bag full in your pocket. You'll always have a snack handy, and if the dealer isn't really paying close attention, you'll never run out of chips.

Use the Buddy System.

Sometimes in Vegas, people can get lost or, worse yet, end up in a hospital because they drank too many of those "free" drinks. That's why it's important to always hang out with a friend everywhere you go. Not only can you keep an eye out for each other, you also can split the cab ride to the ER.

Slot machines can be real confidence boosters.

Now this is not to say that I think you should play them. No, sir. In fact, of all the machines in a casino, the slots are the ones where the odds are stacked most against you. So all they're good for is when you're down on your luck. Take a moment to stop at a slot machine, put $20 in it and instead of pressing "spin," hit the "pay out" button. Raise your hands because you're a winner!

What have we learned here today? Well, gambling is basically for idiots. But if there's one thing we as Americans pride ourselves on, it's being idiots. So the odds are pretty good that one day you, too, will end up in Vegas risking, and probably losing, everything on one spin of the roulette wheel.

Just make sure you order 10 or 12 drinks first.

Bryce Donovan thinks the slogan "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is true because nobody in their alcohol-induced daze can ever remember anything. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.