Making (non)sense of the economy

This week, I open up the floor to you, the financially strapped reader, to ask any questions you might have regarding our country's toilet-bound economy. For instance, you might be wanting to know stuff such as, "When is this recession going to end?" and, "You're going to forward these questions to an actual financial planner, right?" We'll answer them all.

Today, we will deal with things such as how to roll over your 401(k) into a Roth IRA, the proper way to use credit cards and why all these questions suspiciously sound like they were written by me.

So let's not waste one more second and get right to the first question, which is:

Q. Bryce, my car payment is due in five days and my bank account is empty. How in the world am I going to pay it?

A. Have you ever considered selling a kidney?

Q. (Awkward silence) Um, no.

A. It's not as scary as you might think. The secret is to be really quiet so you don't wake up the person while you're trying to get it out.

Q. I was just fired from my job at the unemployment office. What should I do?

A. Show up at work tomorrow.

Q. I've heard several of my friends who recently lost their jobs using the term "severance" quite a bit. I'm embarrassed to say I don't know what it means. Can you help me?

A. Sure. Severance is pay that companies owe employees after being laid off. An easy tip for remembering what it means is: You can't spell "perseverance" without "severance." Or pay your mortgage.

Q. I keep hearing people talking about "bundling" their services at home. What are they talking about?

A. Good question. "Bundling" refers to any time one company provides you with things such as home phone, Internet, cable TV, groceries, gutter repair, porn subscriptions, etc. By going the bundle route, you can save a bunch in the long run. If you're looking for a good company to go with, I recommend Comhustlercastlix.

Q. Speaking of jobs, is anybody out there hiring?

A. Sure. There are a handful of companies you can always count on to continue to prosper, even in tough economic times. For instance, have you tried Circuit City?

Q. They went bankrupt.

A. Bally Total Fitness?

Q. Closed.

A. Cingular Wireless?

Q. Acquired.

A. Comhustlercastlix?

Q. Ah, right. Thanks!

Q. I keep hearing people talking about the importance of an "emergency fund." What exactly is that?

A. An emergency fund is what you pray your loved ones have if you ever lose your job.

Q. If x > 1 and (x + 3x) = 2x, what is the value of x?

A. Wait, I thought this was supposed to be a Q&A.

Q. You're the idiot writing the questions.

A. Touche.

Q. What would you say is the safest financial investment out there right now?

A. A Powerball ticket.

Q. Is it a bad idea to use credit cards to pay your bills?

A. Most financial experts refer to this as "robbing Peter to pay Paul." However, I tend to disagree. I mean, just think of the satisfaction that would come from paying the minimum on your Visa with your American Express.

Q. I have a 17-year-old who is going off to college next year. How in world am I going to afford to pay all that tuition?

A. Hmm. Is he a heavy sleeper?

MONEY-SAVING TIP NO. 26: Put out an empty jar at your house. At the end of each day, drop your loose change in it. After just a couple of months, you'll have enough money to buy a much nicer jar.

Bryce Donovan used his 401(k) to buy his co-workers a chicken nugget tray from Chick-fil-A. (OK, so he was only able to afford a six-piece.) Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.