Taking the madness out of March

If you are reading this before 12:20 p.m. March 19, 2009, let's get right to this week's topic: Successfully filling out your NCAA basketball bracket. (NOTE: If you are reading this after 12:20 p.m., please skip down to the portion of the column labeled "Part II.")

First things first, every workplace has that one guy who won't stop hounding you to fill out a bracket. You know the guy. Day after day, he stops by your desk to explain that it's only five lousy dollars and how it's usually people like you who end up winning, all the while completely ignoring your repeated pleas that:

A. You're not any good at those things.

B. Your mother and father were brutally murdered by an NCAA bracket six years ago and, quite frankly, it's a subject you'd rather not talk about.

However, in the end we all end up caving in and flushing our five bucks down the toilet.

But this year is going to be different. Why? Well, because I'm going to share my five sure-fire tips for successfully filling out your NCAA basketball tournament bracket.

So let's not waste any (more) time ...

TIP NO. 1: Write illegibly.

Not sure who's going to win between UCLA and VCU? Well, write something that resembles "UVCA" and your problem is solved. Because if there's one thing Mr. Bug-The-Heck-Out-Of-You-To-Join-The-Office-Pool hates more than having his overall champion lose in the second round, it's having to ask that weird guy who said his parents were killed by an NCAA bracket what he scribbled on his sheet.

TIP NO. 2: Pick at least one No. 12 seed to beat a No. 5 seed.

Right now, I know what most of you are thinking: What in the world do seeds have to do with basketball? We're talking hoops, Bryce, not watermelon. But as I just learned earlier this week, sometimes words can have more than one meaning.

So in this particular case, a team that is "seeded" No. 5 is actually "favored" to beat one that is a No. 12. But the numbers don't lie and every year at least one of the four games is an upset.

So how do you choose the right one? A little tip: Pick all four 12's to beat the 5's. That way you are guaranteed to nail it.

TIP NO. 3: If in doubt, ask your mom.

I can't tell you how often I ask my mom to help me with those really hard decisions.

Will North Carolina win it all?

Will Butler be this year's Cinderella?

Will you please go back to cutting the crust off my turkey sandwiches for lunch?

TIP NO. 4: Choose a No. 16 to win the whole thing.

If history has shown us one thing, it's that No. 16 seeds have a horrible record against No. 1's. In fact, they are a whopping 0-96 against them. So it doesn't take an idiot to realize that they are WAY overdue to not only win one game, but six in a row.

TIP NO. 5: Make sure you have the right bracket.

I know this might sound obvious, but the most important thing you can do is make sure you have an official 2009 NCAA men's basketball tournament bracket.

True story: A couple of years ago I spent nearly four hours on one before realizing I was actually filling out a schematic diagram for a 225-watt car stereo amplifier.

Well there you have it. Five valuable tips for making all your NCAA office pool selections. So what do I expect in return?

All I ask is that when you get paid that big stack of cash for first place you remember who helped you win it all.

Obviously that person will not be me.

Part II

My bad.

Read and comment on Bryce Donovan's blog, The Bryce is Write.

Bryce Donovan likes Trident Technical College to win the whole thing. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.