One year down, hopefully more to go

The Post and Courier

Thursday, June 25, 2009

PROVIDED

The first year of marriage was a real learning experience for Bryce. His wife? Eh, not so much. I mean, she's still married to him after all.

On Sunday I celebrated my first wedding anniversary. Or, as my wife likes to call it, "I still can't believe I said yes."

As for the day itself, well, we didn't really do anything too fancy. Simply grabbed a bite to eat and then visited the spot where we exchanged vows. But as we were sitting there under the trees, looking out over the meandering Ashley River and the cattails of the marsh, something strange happened; I sensed myself being overcome by a powerful feeling.

Anyway, once I got back from the men's room, I thought it might be a good time to do a little reflecting on my first year of marriage. And that's when I realized just how much I had learned during those initial 365 days. Things like ...

I will never be on time again. Ever.

My wife is late to everything. Social gatherings. Appointments. Time management classes.

When we got married I, Bryce Donovan — the one who was always five minutes early to everything — suddenly became "the late guy." So now, not only are we always the last couple to show up to the party, we're also the ones the poor Target employees have to come find and ask to leave because the store closed two hours ago.

Being the master of your domain is key.

Guys, trust me when I tell you that early on you need to establish who's in charge of your household. The sooner you take care of that, the sooner you can get back to watching HGTV while braiding your wife's hair.

Any given night can become pizza night.

I don't know if all women love pizza as much as my wife does, but it doesn't take much to get her to decide we need pizza for dinner. Or breakfast, for that matter.

Mystery smells are always the dog's fault.

Unless you are looking to be bludgeoned to death with the bedside lamp, never, under any circumstances ask your wife if she fired a "one-gun salute."

Instead, in the most serious tone you can muster, go, "BAD DOG!" Oh, and then discretely crush up some Tums and mix them in her morning coffee.

Women want sympathy, not solutions.

When a man tells someone they have a problem, they're looking for advice on how to fix it. On the other hand, when a woman tells someone they have a problem, they want them to go, "Wow. That is awful. I am so sorry."

The LAST thing they want you to do is tell them maybe if you didn't drive all the way home from the office with the emergency brake on, the car — and the neighborhood, for that matter — wouldn't smell like one giant tire fire.

Avoid putting your marriage on national television.

History has shown that having TV cameras around is a sure-fire way to end up divorced. Just look at Nick and Jessica, Jon and Kate, Frazier and Lillith, the list goes on.

Tell your spouse you love them every day.

I know it sounds corny, but sometimes it's important to remind your loved one that you cherish them as much today as you did the day you tied the knot.

This is especially critical right after you have taken a Twinkie, which you cut in half so you could give your wife the half that you secretly scooped out the filling and replaced with mayonnaise. Because she is going to kill you just as soon as she's done vomiting.

I'm sure there are plenty more things I could share but the truth is, I kind of want to be able to write about what it's like to be married for two years.

So I'll simply leave you with this: When you finally find the right person to spend the rest of your life with, you suddenly become OK with being late to every party because you were eating pizza while watching HGTV and ... Oh, my God ... BAD DOG!

<strong>Bryce Donovan </strong>loves his wife as much today as the day they got married, if not more. Reach him at 937-5938 or <a href="mailto:bdonovan@postandcourier.com">bdonovan@postandcourier.com</a>.