Stop beaching for a second and read this

Ah, lounging at the beach. Summertime just doesn't get any better than that.

The gentle breeze, the warm sand under your bare feet, the OW, JEEZ, THIS IS WAY HOTTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE OW OW OW ahhh, much better under this umbrella, I think I'll just sit down and GREAT, whose bottle of suntan lotion did I just sit on? WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THIS STUPID WIND!

OK, so maybe going to the beach isn't for everybody. But that doesn't mean it has to be an awful experience. By simply following these handy beach-going tips, you'll be laughing about that bird poop on your shoulder in no time.

So, first things first, when heading to the beach you'll want to ...

• Pack light.

Let's face it, the sun can really zap your energy. So the last thing you want to be doing at the end of a long day at the beach is lugging all that heavy gear and equipment back to the car after drinking regular beer.

• Make sure your area is clean.

Once you find a spot you like, make it yours. Some people do this by putting down a towel, umbrella or a chair. That's for amateurs. I prefer bringing my two-stroke Troy-Bilt gas-powered leaf blower. It's an easy way to make sure that spot you chose is free of loose debris, like all that pesky sand. Just keep in mind this process can take a few hours and typically results in, on average, five to six fist fights. But it's totally worth it.

• Apply lots of sunscreen.

Nothing ruins a day at the beach more than a bad sunburn. That's why you want to be sure to apply plenty of sunscreen. If you're an adult, this is easy. But if you have kids, this task can seem pretty daunting seeing as little ones don't typically like to hold still unless they're unconscious. And since exploring that option is technically "illegal," an easier way to keep your sanity (as well not end up in jail) is to make it into a game by writing dirty words in SPF 30 on their backs.

• Bring plenty of stuff to do.

This can be anything from a volleyball to a pair of binoculars to (wink) look for dolphins. However, just be sure that whatever you bring is able to withstand the rigors of a harsh beach environment. Which sadly means that some items, like your laptop, for instance, might not be the best to bring. (On a separate note, I'd like to sarcastically thank Apple for failing to mention that its Macbook is not waterproof.)

• Be aware of your surroundings.

Sure, everybody knows to keep an eye out for animals like crabs, jellyfish and sharks, but an often-overlooked and typically forgotten beach predator is the grizzly bear. If you absolutely have to cook meat, be sure that you take turns "on watch" with a shotgun.

• Give a hoot.

At the end of the day, don't be that redneck who leaves a bunch of candy bar wrappers and empty Coke cans all over the beach. Remember to keep your plastics separate from your paper products and ALWAYS bury them at least six inches below the surface.

By following these handy tips you'll be enjoying the beach in no time.

You know, assuming you don't stare at any one dolphin for too long and end up getting beat up by her muscular boyfriend.

Bryce Donovan thinks that Speedos shouldn't be worn by anybody over the age of, say, 0. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.