When camping, don't do what Bryce does

The Post and Courier

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It's time for Part Two of our critically acclaimed series on the do's and don'ts of camping.

In this week's installment, we will attempt to answer such burning questions as, "How much water should you pack for a three-week camping trip?" "What do you do if it starts raining outside and your beagle, who is in the tent with you, develops really bad gas?" and "How are you going to answer all these questions when you're using the 'do' and 'don't' format?"

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The Post and Courier

Bryce illustrates some of the more important camping do's and don'ts, such as: DON'T set up camp on a two-lane road (four-lane roads are way better because then people have a lane to swerve into); DO bring plenty of gasoline and Roman candles to start your fire; and DON'T bring your pets with you (because they might try to eat you in protest).

Anyway, before I can point out any more critical flaws in the setup of this column, let's get right to it ...

DO bring food that can be eaten without being cooked.

Sure, a backpack full of eggs and raw chicken may seem like a good idea at the time, but on the off chance you can't get a fire started, it helps to have some foods on hand that won't give you salmonella. Which reminds me ...

DON'T assume you'll be able to start a fire.

People probably will lead you to believe that starting one is a quick and easy process. Just remember that these people probably are assuming you know you need to use matches.

DO bring lots of bug spray.

Even though it usually leaves you sticky and covered with a bunch of dead mosquitoes (that still ended up stinging you), it almost always comes in handy when you're trying to keep your wife from killing you with a tent stake because you forgot to bring matches.

DON'T touch any plants you can't identify.

Trust me when I tell you that even if leaves come in cute little bunches of three, do not, under any circumstances, use them as toilet paper.

DO bring something to keep your kids entertained.

Let's face it, kids get bored easily. So be sure to bring something that will keep them from driving you nuts. You know, something like a board game, a deck of cards or a baby sitter.

DON'T bring your pets.

While it might seem like a fun idea to have your cat purring by your head as you drift off to sleep, remember that in all likelihood some sort of critter will come investigate your tent at 3 in the morning and Mr. Bumpers will react calmly and coolly like all cats do when faced with adversity: by violently burying his razor-sharp claws into your face.

DO designate a "group leader."

When camping, it's always important to have one person who's unquestionably in charge of the group. So be nice to your wife and maybe she'll let you suggest an activity at some point.

DON'T forget to shower.

Just because you're camping doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to follow the general rules of good hygiene. So be sure to take the occasional shower, and for God's sake, don't forget to brush your teeth. Especially if you've been eating raw chicken.

Well, there you have it: the do's and don'ts of camping. Now that's you're armed with all this invaluable information, all that's left now is to pack the car and hit the road. Just don't forget the kids. At least until you get to your final destination.

<strong>Bryce Donovan's </strong>beagle actually did start passing gas in the tent. His solution was to do the same thing so that the dog felt less self-conscious. (That plan backfired, so to speak.) Reach him at 937-5938 or <a href="mailto:bdonovan@postandcourier.com">bdonovan@postandcourier.com</