Choosing to be child-free

Sarah Baird decided long ago not to have children. It's not that she values her career more or doesn't like kids.

She simply never felt the urge.

"There are many good moms and dads in the world, so I don't feel at all guilty or strange for not choosing that path," the 47-year-old Mount Pleasant resident said. "Actually, what I find strange is the assumption that a life is incomplete unless it's resulted in the physical creation of another human being."

The number of women who are child-free is increasing. In fact, the percentage of women ages 40 to 44 who had no children doubled between 1976 and 2006, from 10 percent to 20 percent, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

And while a segment of these women undoubtedly wanted children, others never did. Like 51-year-old Pamela Marfizo.

She was in elementary school when she learned about overpopulation and its impact on the environment. The lesson stuck with her, and is a major reason she opted out of motherhood.

She said she also felt she couldn't provide children the same or better lifestyle she had growing up. Marfizo would have to continue working full-time, and doesn't have a college degree. She works at a nonprofit conservation organization.

Her husband of 23 years never wanted children either.

Dr. Beth Cook, a gynecologist at Womens Health Partners in Summerville, said more and more of her patients are choosing not to have children.

"They may elect to have no children at all and tend to be more doting upon nieces and nephews, and the flip side is many people are electing to adopt versus bear children themselves (because) there are many children in the world that need a family."

Societal pressure

When Wendy Falkner and her husband went through premarital counseling, their pastor couldn't believe she didn't want to have any babies.

"He spent three sessions saying, 'Wendy, are you sure you don't want to have children?' " she said with a laugh. He was certain she would change her mind.

That was 10 years ago. And Falkner, now 33, is still happy with her choice.

Dr. Alison Piepmeier, director of the Women's and Gender Studies Program at the College of Charleston, thinks society's attitude toward women who choose not to procreate is changing slightly.

"I think that the stigma that used to accompany not having children is diminishing, but women who choose not to have kids are still seen as sort of unusual, and often have to explain themselves," said Piepmeier. "For younger women, the choice not to have children sometimes isn't seen as valid. Younger women who want to be sterilized, for instance, are often denied care because the assumption is they'll change their minds — surely they'll decide they do want children eventually. But having kids isn't for everyone, and it's a completely valid choice for women to decide they don't want to follow that path."

Baird believes a lot of women have kids because of societal expectations. They think they're supposed to. She said a couple of mothers she knows have told her that if they had to do it over again, they're not sure they would.

"I don't think having kids should be the default position," she said. "I think it has to be a conscious choice."

Pros and cons

"My dream was always to live out in a rural area like this and have a farm. If I had children, I don't think I would have been able to do that," said Marfizo, who lives on 8 1/2 acres in McClellanville.

Not having children also leaves her more financially free to help others, she said. She is able to spend quality time with her husband, and has the energy to be more attentive to her nieces and nephews whom she adores. Marfizo also believes she's healthier than she would be if she were a mom.

She looks at her sister, who has two young daughters and works full-time, and worries her health is compromised. She's tired all the time, Marfizo said.

While motherhood can cause health issues, not having kids can, too.

Studies show that women who do not bear children are 1.2 to 1.7 times more likely to develop breast cancer, and 1.6 times more likely to develop ovarian cancer, according to Cook. Women who choose not to have children should be aware of these increased risks, and make sure their gynecologist monitors them. It's often just a matter of getting routine examinations, she said. The health risks are not nearly as great as those that come with pregnancy, Cook said.

Falkner said most of her married friends have kids (and the rest are trying to conceive). That means to see them, the Charleston resident is spending more time at family-friendly locales or at her friends' homes, where the kids can be close by.

She loves that she and her husband don't have to worry about baby-sitters when they want to go out. That they can take more vacations because they're not saving up for their children's college educations. That they can go on trips when other people's kids are in school and get deep discounts.

Falkner said she actually loves children. Her degree is in Bible and youth ministry, and she spent some time as a youth director. She and her husband even hosted an exchange student.

"We loved having the exchange student, but for 18-plus years? I don't think so," Falkner said.

Baird also loves traveling, and said the freedom is the biggest perk of being child-free. She likes the peace of mind that comes from not having another person in the world she has to worry about constantly.

"I'm very happy with my life so far, and I realize that deciding not to take on the responsibility of raising children allowed me to pursue other goals that have equal or more meaning to me," Baird said.

She, Falkner and Marfizo said they have never regretted their decision not to have children.

Only Marfizo mentioned an experience she feels she's missed out on — traditions like coloring Easter eggs or decorating a Christmas tree.

"I don't celebrate holidays with fun traditions like I should because I don't have children to share them with."

Reach Kristen Hankla at 937-5548 or khankla@postandcourier.com.