Next up: Improving this column

The shed in our backyard has always been problematic. Sometimes it unlocks, sometimes it makes me want to take a chainsaw to it, throw the pieces into a wood chipper, douse the resulting pile of mulch in kerosene and set the whole thing on fire. Or, you know, something equally rational like that. (Fortunately we keep the chainsaw in the shed.)

Last weekend was one of those times. For 45 minutes I tried with no luck to unlock it. Try as I might I just couldn't get it to budge. As I sat there struggling in the 90 degree heat, my mind began to pose basic questions like:

Are you sure you're putting the key in right-side-up? Are you turning it the right way? How in the world did Michael Douglas ever land Catherine Zeta Jones?

Finally a point came where I was so frustrated that I reared back and kicked the key as hard as I could with my foot and somehow, lo and behold, fate swept in and — VOILA! — the entire thing broke.

For reasons I can't explain I didn't give up at this point and instead grabbed my power drill, hammer and needle-nosed pliers, and continued working on the shed door until eventually, after about two hours of painstaking work, I broke one of the side windows to get in.

And THAT, my dear readers, is how men get things done.

Women, on the other hand, when faced with the same situation will throw their hands up in the air and shout something like, "Honey, maybe next time you could try using the shed key instead of the old mailbox key. What do you think?"

Now if you're a homeowner like I am, you are constantly dealing with situations like this every day. That's why, being the home-improvement expert I am, I thought I'd answer some of the more common questions out there. So let's get right to it:

Q. How did Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor get away with that mullet for as long as he did?

A. I guess I should have been more clear at the beginning. I was actually looking for home improvement questions, not "Home Improvement" questions.

Q. I'd like to put some shutters on the front of my stucco house. How long should I expect it to take to drill the holes and then hang them?

A. I'm not going to lie, this is a tough one. When I did it a while back it took me nearly three weeks to complete the job. So I'd say somewhere in that neighborhood.

Q. Really? Even if I use a power drill?

A. A what?

Q. How often should I clean my gutters?

A. Depending on the size of your house, height of your roof and proximity to deciduous trees you should hire someone else to do this. Seriously. Pay them whatever it takes. Because gutter cleaning is the colonoscopy of home maintenance.

Q. Is there a secret to properly using a pressure washer?

A. Not really. Just make sure you spell the word "skank" correctly when writing on your ex-girlfriend's driveway.

Q. How often should I be changing my home's air filters?

A. The makers of these things would have you believe you need to change them every month, but let's be honest, I've never once changed mine and my A/C guy says I'm his No. 1 client.

Q. How do you fix a leak in the bathroom ceiling?

A. You don't, just consider it a free upgrade to one of those new modern two-person shower heads that cost thousands.

Q. What is the best way to get rid of a stain on my popcorn ceiling?

A. Soap and water should do the trick, assuming it's a butter stain.

Q. Can you share an actual home improvement tip that you had to learn in a really embarrassing way?

A. Certainly. You should always ask somebody if they have a sprinkler system BEFORE cutting their grass with the lawn mower on the lowest setting.

Q. How do I keep my husband from abandoning his home improvement projects midstream?

A. OK, two things: One, that isn't a fair comment because if there's one thing us men pride ourselves on it's finishing what we start.

Bryce Donovan firmly believes that for most major home improvement tasks (like cutting the grass) you are better off moving out and finding a new house. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.