Leapin' lizards (scare Bryce to death)

Funny how life works.

Back in 1985, when I was just 10-years-old, my buddy Andy Nelms and I spent the entire summer trying to catch lizards. Every time we would catch one, we would put it in a container, label it and observe the lizard's behavior. Fast forward 25 years later, and wouldn't you know it, I still make poop jokes.

Wait. That didn't come out right. What I meant to say is, here I am 25 years later with an opportunity to go out in the woods with a college professor and a bunch of his students and relive my glory days by trying to catch lizards.

That's right. You read that correctly. Apparently kids these days can get college credit for catching reptiles. (Back when I was in school the only thing anybody ever caught was herpes. And colleges didn't tend to offer credit for that.)

The concept is pretty cool, actually. It began with College of Charleston biology professor Eric McElroy recruiting several students to help him with his lizard-related research. The goal being to determine how these four-legged creatures' fitness levels affect their survival rates.

And just how, exactly, does one go about doing something like that? Simple. McElroy catches them and then gives them tiny little sneakers and headbands and puts them on a miniature racetrack.

Of course I'm only kidding. Wait ... no, I'm not. He actually DOES put them on a miniature racetrack. (Still no shoes and headbands, though. Nike executives, if you're reading this I smell a ripe new sportswear niche.) The racetrack itself is a 12-foot-long plexiglass and corkboard open-top tunnel that is equipped with motion-detecting lasers which measure how fast the lizards are running. And thanks to hours of high-definition video he's shot of literally hundreds of these little sprints, along with footage from some Geico commercials, McElroy has been able to make a link between the species physical fitness and survivability.

"The biggest thing I've learned so far during this study is that male lizards who have found a female mate tend to be fatter and slower and their corresponding females seem to have completely given up on shaving their legs," he didn't say, but I totally wished he had.

OK, to be perfectly honest he's still not quite sure how it all ties together yet, so he's still out there looking for new subjects every few days. Consequently, I was able to sweet talk my way onto one of his lizard-collecting missions last week at Dixie Plantation in Hollywood.

For almost two hours McElroy, four of his students and I combed the oak and mosquito filled woods while skirting swamps and creeks, completely immersing ourselves in nature in the hope of finding a few lizards to bring back to the lab. During that time I realized several things:

1. Sometimes biological research can actually be fun.

2. I wish they had classes like this when I was in college.

3. I probably shouldn't have worn a Speedo.

Later that afternoon, after our lizard-hunting mission was over and I got back into the office, my coworkers asked me: "So, did you catch anything?"

In a way, yes. But in a more accurate way, no.

In other words, it was just like the good old days of being 10 years old again. Only it didn't end with me riding home on my Hello Kitty bike crying because Andy put a beetle down my shirt.

Bryce Donovan tried to race one of the lizards but ended up getting stuck in the opening to the racetrack. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.