Should kissin' cousin be invited to wedding?
Q: While in college, I dated my second cousin. We were together for years, but he got involved with the wrong crowd and went to prison. We broke up two years ago and now I'm marrying my soulmate. My divorced parents are splitting the cost of the wedding. My cousin is related to my dad, who wants to invite my ex. I feel uncomfortable about having an ex-boyfriend at my wedding. My father is adamant, and it is causing huge problems. Any advice?
A: An ex who is also a family member can be a very sticky situation. Our usual answer when the host is compiling a guest list is to invite everyone and let them decide if they feel comfortable attending. We've also found that most times, it's the host who's agonizing about whether to invite or not invite, and the guest couldn't care less. Make sure you aren't fighting with Dad over nothing.
We suggest that Dad call the relative in question and ask — or if that's too awkward, call his parent (Dad's first cousin) and get the 411.
Your ex's mom or dad could certainly tell your dad how their son is feeling — and then you'll know if you really have a problem.
What we have found when something like this happens is that family members, too embarrassed to say anything after the breakup, don't speak for years. Then a special event such as a wedding comes up and everyone scrambles to make up for the lack of communication.
It reminds us of the movie "Moonstruck." Cher's character was engaged to one brother, but ends up falling for the other brother. As the jilted brother sits in the corner agonizing over his plight, the patriarch of the family, the grandfather, hands him a glass of Champagne and tells him to come join the celebration. The jilted brother waves the grandfather away, but the grandfather persists, saying, "La familia!" ("You're family.")
Your situation is a little different. You dated for years and it's certainly understandable that you feel uncomfortable with an ex at your wedding, but this issue will come up again.
Bottom line: La familia goes on after the breakup.
Let's hope your ex will see the awkwardness in his attending and decline the invitation.
And, in the name of la familia, we hope his appearance at future get-togethers will be less troublesome. Life is just plain messy business.
Jann Blackstone-Ford, Psy.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).
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