facebook.com

Facebook.com

Call me overly cautious, but I like my trends at least 10 years old. Sure, I might not always be the freshest Mack Daddy getting his "drink on" in his whitewashed jeans and Members Only jacket at "da club," but at least I know that at some point in 1993, I could have possibly been borderline socially acceptable. So it should come as no surprise that after years of being told how cool it is, I finally joined Facebook last weekend.

Now, for those of you who don't know what Facebook is, "Hi, Mom and Dad." Seriously, with hundreds of millions of active users, the odds are pretty good that my parents are the last two remaining Americans on the outside looking in. But let's pretend you aren't cooler than my family and don't actually know what Facebook is. It's a free-access social networking Web site that allows users to connect and interact with other people all over the world. In other words, Facebook gets you back in touch with people you never really wanted to get back in touch with. However, every now and again, you get lucky and find somebody you actually used to like. And then realize it's a different person with the same name.

That said, it truly is kind of fun and can be a good way to network, by which, of course, I mean kill time at work. But if you don't know what you're doing, it can be a bit overwhelming. That's why this week I've decided to share a few pointers for the few remaining Facebook newbies so that when you sign up you won't waste time spinning your wheels and instead can focus on more important things such as blocking people from contacting you.

For instance, when using Facebook, it's handy to know that ...

If you have kids, your profile picture should be of them.

Based on what I've seen, if you have kids, you apparently need to put up stupid pictures of them wearing your sunglasses or smearing birthday cake all over their face. This is an important rule to remember because, as parents, it's important to always remind others what a special person it takes to procreate. Like Britney Spears, for example.

You will know what people are doing. All. The. Time.

One of the neatest (read: troubling) things about Facebook is that everybody tells everybody what they are doing every minute of every day. Isn't that awesome? Thanks to a little box that allows people to say what they are up to, you can find out things like:

"Bryce is having dinner with his neighbors tonight."

"Bryce is enjoying a delicious steak and baked potato."

"Bryce is enjoying a scrumptious dessert."

"Bryce is wondering why people are looking at him funny."

"Bryce is explaining that he thought everybody put mayo on their pecan pie."

"Bryce is having dinner by himself."

And so on ...

People will throw things at you.

This can come in the form of annoying things like a "snowball" or in more annoying forms like a "Christmas cookie." But the important thing to remember is: Even though these things seem really silly and ridiculous, the person who sent them to you is a complete idiot. Don't try to read anything else into it. It's just that simple.

Apparently, the object is to collect as many friends as possible.

Some people I know on Facebook have as many as 850 friends. This is really impressive because:

1. It says a lot about their popularity.

2. I didn't know their mom had that many different screen names.

That chest shaving ad shows up for everyone.

So don't panic. They aren't on to you.

While this list of tips begins to only scratch the surface, I promise that they will help you immensely when you finally make the big leap and sign up for Facebook. Oh, and while I've got your attention, Mom, can we have SpaghettiOs for dinner?

Bryce Donovan also recently got one of those new VCRs everybody has been talking about. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.