25 things you may not know (or want to know) about me

For years I've written this column and never really let you "in."

Sure I've talked about my bed-wetting as a child, my subsequent awkward exchanges with women as an teenager and the six restraining orders Joey Lawrence has against me. But let's be honest, I've never fully let my guard down.

So this week I'm going to give you a little more. Inspired by Facebook (its motto: "Lowering the world's IQ one person at a time"), this week I've decided to share "25 things you might not have known about me."

Though I usually joke around, this time I promise to share things that are 100 percent true.

So let's get right to it:

1. I have a degree in physics. It has served me well over the years, like when I need to change a flat tire or get into a jar of pickles.

2. My mom, who makes Queen Elizabeth II look like Carol Burnett, used to always tell me I got my sense of humor from her. This statement never failed to make me laugh. So, in a weird sort of way, I guess she was right.

3. When I was a teenager, my hands would sweat so badly I couldn't even hold a girl's hand for five seconds without completely grossing her out. To be honest, I'm just guessing about that. It never actually happened. But there's no question my hands were disgusting.

4. In 1999, I had surgery in Gothenburg, Sweden, to fix my hands. They haven't sweat a drop since. However, to this day I still remember who was polite to me back when they did. On a side note, every Saturday I visit the graves of those who weren't.

5. One time, when I was in the ninth grade, I skipped an afternoon piano lesson to play soccer. During the game, I ended up breaking my arm, thus simultaneously ending both my soccer- and piano-playing careers.

6. A month before my wedding, the 600-year-old oak tree I was supposed to get married under was struck and killed by lightning. Somehow, we're still together. (My wife and I, not me and the tree.)

7. I made my first hole-in-one and got my driver's license in the same week. Throw in a bathtub sitting in a field and you've got yourself a Cialis commercial.

8. The following words always make me laugh: duty, rectify, pianist, doily, log. (Honorable mention: shuttlecock.)

9. As far as inventions go, I think high-definition television is right up there with Caller ID and draft beer. Especially if you have Cinemax.

10. I have the coolest parents in the world. Sure my mom holds me to unrealistic standards and my dad tucks his turtlenecks into his jeans shorts, but still, I wouldn't trade them for anybody.

11. Except maybe Magnum, P.I. That guy's awesome.

12. When I was 10 years old, I starred in several TV commercials for a regional department store. The spots, which were 30 seconds each and not the least bit awkward, featured me modeling things like three-piece suits, golf shirts six sizes too small and one time — and please don't call the police, it was the '80s after all — "A-Team" underwear with a T-ball bat on my shoulder (I have absolutely no idea.).

13. I have this thing where, when I'm watching a movie that's on TV and I've already seen it, I will change the channel whenever the plot's conflict begins. I imagine Freud would have a field day with this.

14. I can't stand it when people say, "I could care less," when they actually mean, "I couldn't care less." Drives me nuts.

15. Which reminds me: Time to switch to decaf.

16. One time, when I was in the sixth grade and I wanted to go home because I hated my new middle school, I told my teacher I was sick. Instead of having me call my mom to come pick me up (I suspect she knew I was lying.), she told me to sit outside on the fire escape and get some fresh air. Apparently, she forgot about me, and I sat out there for nearly three hours until the police finally showed up because I was reported by the school as "missing." (Side note: That teacher never spoke to me again.)

17. I have dated a girl with the same name as my mom as well as one with the same birthday. I'm sure Freud would get a kick out of this one, too, but I figure it's kind of irrelevant since my wife killed them both.

18. In 2006, I was named one of People magazine's "Hottest bachelors." Much to everyone's surprise (including mine), I was not nominated by myself.

19. I HATED college. Not the lowercase kind of hated, I'm talking all caps HATED HATED HATED college. That minor detail aside: Stay in school kids!

20. I have a knack for remembering the names of actors and actresses in movies, even ones I've never seen. To prove my point, I'll ask my co-worker who sits next to me to name a completely random movie, and I'll name the actor or actress in it.

CO-WORKER: "The Pianist."

ME: (Uncontrollable giggling.)

21. I'm pretty self-conscious about my nose. Which reminds me: Adrien Brody!

22. When it comes to eating, I have this weird texture thing. For instance, I like onions if they're chewy (like on a Philly cheese steak), but not if they're crunchy (like on a McDonald's hamburger).

23. Over the years, I have anonymously sent my buddy Michael "My Name's Not The Least Bit Funny So Let's All Just Be Cool About This" Ball various random objects in the mail: a Robert E. Lee commemorative Bowie knife, a CD-ROM on the making of the zipper, an application to rodeo clown school, a case of ShamWows, the list goes on. And just for the record, may I simply say: COD is the greatest invention ever.

24. If I could do one thing before I died, I'd climb Mount Everest. Sadly, I think I have those two things backwards.

25. I think people who own Pontiac Azteks should get five to 10 years minimum.

So there you go. A list of 25 things you probably didn't want to know about me in the first place. Check back next week when I reveal the "25 things I accidentally showed to the veterinarian instead of my physician."

Bryce Donovan actually goes by his middle name. This helps him weed out telemarketers. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.