Slow and steady wins 1335th place

They say it's an accomplishment to simply finish a marathon.

Luckily they don't say anything about whether or not you needed a piggy back ride from your wife for the last six miles.

On Saturday, the aforementioned superwoman and I completed our first marathon in Myrtle Beach (yes, she beat me handily). And though my body feels as if it has been repeatedly run over by an 18-wheeler, after completing the grueling 26.2-mile race, I can honestly say it was not the least bit worth it.

Of course I am only joking. Truth be told, though it was originally my wife's idea, I must say completing a marathon is a personal highlight of mine for two very important reasons:

1. I was able to complete something few people ever will.

2. She might be reading this.

In all seriousness, it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. It's the kind of accomplishment — after all the training runs in the crummy weather, the mornings when you just wanted to sleep in, the nagging injuries — that makes you smile and think to yourself: "I wonder how much crack Mom smoked when she was pregnant with me to make this seem like a good idea?"

Seriously, I might not walk normally for at least three months. But if there's a bright side, at least I ignored all my body's warning signs to quit and possibly did permanent damage to my legs and feet. Wait, no! What I mean is, I am proud to have toughed it out and finished the race. Because, in addition to finding out what I was made of, I learned several interesting tidbits, such as:

--Even when the human body is at its absolute breaking point, beer and pizza still sound delicious.

--Just because you run the duration of the entire race doesn't mean you might not get passed by a 70-year-old speed walker at mile 22.

--The only thing worse than getting passed by a 70-year-old speed walker at mile 22 is getting passed by a fat guy with a mullet at mile 23.

--Did I mention beer and pizza?

--Long-distance runners will always find a way to drop the topic of bowel movements into routine conversation.

--No matter how slow your time is in your first marathon, it still will be a personal best. (This is also known as "the bright side," something else I just learned.)

--During the entire race, I didn't have one problem with my new invention, the marathong.

--Buffalo wings and chocolate milk are not the ideal pre-run breakfast.

--The expression, "You're almost done," is highly subjective.

--I hate running.

Now that I've completed my first marathon, people keep asking me if I plan on running another one. As soon as they regain consciousness, I tell them no.

But who knows? Maybe one day I'll get the itch to run another. But until that day comes, I think I'll just stick to the sidelines and cheer for my wife. Speaking of which, I'd better go find her. She kind of has a thing for fat guys with mullets.

Bryce Donovan finished the race in four hours and 50 minutes, or roughly the same amount of time it takes him to tie his shoelaces. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.