Redheads unite! Demand protection, bailout

We often hear the term "a vanishing breed." I am among them. You see, I'm a redhead (well, actually, I was, until my hair turned gray) and soon we will all disappear and be relegated to legend as in "When Redheads Roamed the Earth ..."

A "scientific" study keeps surfacing that predicts redheaded people will be extinct before the end of this century. No more Opie, Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Woody Allen, Woody Woodpecker, Little Orphan Annie or Elmo. We will all be gone!

This whole idea got started in the 1860s by a bunch of Yankee scientists during the War Between the States when genetic science was just a twinkle in the genome of a future scientist. The Yanks were studying why Southern Freedom Fighters fought with such elan and abandon. They wondered why Southern soldiers bravely rushed into battle with their famous, flamboyant "Rebel Yell" and fought with such valor — much like their Viking forefathers centuries before. But the Nordic tribes often fought naked. Our Southern gentlemen were more discreet and met the enemy fully clothed. What made their enemy so courageous, the Northern scientists pondered? "It must be their red hair," they concluded. It's true that a disproportionate number of Southerners sport red hair as a result of our Scots-Irish heritage, a group thought to be descended from the Vikings, who were known for their red hair. (As in Erik the Red, who really discovered North America, and Gus the Carrot Top, who didn't do anything noteworthy but had a beautiful head of bright red hair). So, the scientists from Northern climes decided that red hair would soon disappear from the American scene because redheads would be killed off by their violent nature. In spite of their best efforts, it didn't happen and we have a number of redheads constituting about 1 percent of the world's population today. The characteristic is more prevalent in Northern Europe and runs as high as 5 percent in America.

As genetic science progressed with the deciphering of the human genome (whatever that is), modern scientists now doubt that red hair is on the way out. But Oxford Hair Foundation declared a few years ago that redheads were headed for the way of the dinosaurs. Their conclusion lost some of its steam when it was finally revealed that the group was funded by Procter & Gamble — a major purveyor of hair dye.

Who really knows what the future holds for red-haired people? It is true that the red-hair gene is a recessive gene but present numbers seem to be holding steady. Actually, there are several hues of red hair — all the way from strawberry blond to dark auburn and I suppose each has its own hereditary factor. In all probability, the gene can be ascribed to a mutation of genes (Yeah, I know, we, redheads, are sometimes referred to as "mutants") that occurred about 20,000 years ago in Europe. Some scientists claim that in the cloudy climes of northern Europe, thin, pale skin, found in redheads, developed to allow more absorption of Vitamin D from the sparse sunlight, thereby, prompting a Darwinist "survival of the fittest" notion. This theory, however, doesn't explain freckles, which are sported by many redheads.

Some folks want to ascribe specific characteristics to those of us with red hair. For instance, we are supposed to be just a little "slow" and impulsive and have really terribly bad tempers. (That one makes me madder than Hades and I just want to punch 'em in the nose!) And red-headed women are supposed to be sexier. I wouldn't know, my wife is blond.

I grew up a little ashamed of my hair, which wasn't even the bright-orange variety. I grew weary of being called "Carrot Top," "Matchstick head," and I especially recoiled at the name "Little Red." My dad was redheaded and you guessed it, his nickname was "Big Red" after I was born. But as I grew older, my hair became darker and turned mostly brownish-auburn. It is not unusual for red hair to grow progressively darker with age. I have a first cousin who in childhood was a redhead of the bright variety but before turning mostly gray, his hair changed to an almost black hue.

Some black-headed men have red beards (a few women as well) and some redheads have black eyebrows. Science can't explain this except by pointing to spotted dogs and other animals whose hair changes color on different areas of their bodies.

I believe the redheads of America should unite. We could declare ourselves an endangered species, thereby, becoming "victims" and demand a bailout as well as protection by the federal government. After all, who would argue that if we were bald eagles, pandas, whooping cranes, snail darters and the like, folks would flock to our rescue with battle-cries like "Save the Carrot Tops!"

I sincerely doubt that we can raise much sympathy for our red-hair cause, so, we will just have to endure the names folks call us.

At least until the end of the century.

John Brock is a retired professor, newspaper publisher and film producer who lives in Georgetown County. He can be reached by mail at this newspaper or via e-mail at brock@johnbrock.com.