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9 years, 11 months and four weeks of Bryce Donovan

'It Beats Working' celebrates a milestone 'Because 10-year celebrations are for sane people,' Bryce says

I remember it vividly. The year was 2000.

I was watching "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" and playing Pokemon with Elian Gonzalez while riding my Razor scooter around Broward County anxiously waiting the results of the presidential election (I think some dude named Chad ended up winning).

Or was I answering phone calls and typing obituaries for the newspaper? Eh, details.

Either way, my life was considerably simpler back then. But then one day my editor walked up and said, "Bryce, you have a talent that can't be denied. We need to get you a weekly column so that you can share your skills with the world."

Although it sounded a little more like: "That coffeemaker isn't going to clean itself, Brian."

But I knew what he meant. And just like that, a star was born.

Of course, I'm referring to Noah Cyrus. But much like Miley's little sister, my career also crawled out of the womb that magical year and proclaimed to all who were in the parking lot at Chuck E. Cheese's that day for my 24th birthday party: "PAY ATTENTION TO ME WORLD!"

A few days later, "It Beats Working" began. Since then, I never looked back. Not even when my editor said, "Didn't we fire you three weeks ago?"

So here, on the precipice of 10 wonderful years (in typical Bryce Donovan style I am choosing to celebrate my 9-year, 11-month and four-week anniversary) writing this column, I combed through the archives and picked out my most and least memorable columns of the past decade.

So buckle up because it's about to get self-centered.

10 Most Memorable

10 Meeting humor columnist Dave Barry.

Ever since I was 10 years old, I have read Dave's stuff. In fact, while most of my friends were busy collecting baseball cards and chasing girls, I was holed up in my room reading "Dave Barry Turns 40."

Needless to say, I had to beat the ladies off with a stick.

Naturally, when I met my idol at a writing conference in Philadelphia in the summer of 2007 I conveyed my excitement in the simplest way possible: By throwing up all over his $200 loafers.

9 Co-piloting the Goodyear blimp.

I've done some cool things in my career, but three years ago, I got to serve as a co-pilot on the Goodyear blimp. Right now you're probably asking yourself: "Bryce, how in the world did you, of all people, get to do that?"

Well, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities often present themselves to those who possess a perfect combination of wit and charm. Of course, by "perfect combination of wit and charm," I mean "handgun."

But let's not get bogged down in the details of how what I did was a "felony" or how those poor kids from the Make-a-Wish Foundation didn't get to go up in the blimp because of me. The important thing here is that I had an awesome time.

8 Bomb squad training.

Chicks love guys with missing fingers. Which is why in 2004 I took a shot at working for the Charleston County Sheriff's Office's bomb squad. While there, I learned that the three most important skills a member of the bomb squad can possess are: 1) resolve under pressure, 2) a strong stomach and 3) the ability to deal with unknown terrain.

I guess I did well because these are the same three skills required when shaving my back.

7 Gator hunter.

Spending a day with DNR gator hunter Johnny Williamson was one of the coolest things I've ever done. Over his career, he's caught more than 2,000 "nuisance" gators in neighborhood swamps and lakes.

But the big question is: Why would anybody in his right mind do such a thing?

Johnny explained his career choice: "I love hunting and fishing, and it's a combination of the two."

Good thing he doesn't love hunting and children.

6 Playing pool with then-world ranked No. 2 Karen Corr.

A little piece of advice: If you're ever invited to participate in a charity pool tournament, don't show up wearing a Speedo.

Apparently, and I learned this lesson the hard way, there is an actual sport called "pool" that has nothing to do with tanning oil, lounge chairs or David Hasselhoff.

Instead, players use sticks in an attempt to knock colored balls into pockets on a big, felt-covered table.

Yeah, I know. I totally thought they made it up, too.

5 Leading the Cooper River Bridge Run.

I used to always say, "One day I will lead the Cooper River Bridge Run." But as it turns out, those nit-picky race officials won't let you carry a firearm. So I had to come up with a Plan B: Run as fast as I could at the beginning and hold the lead for as long as possible. Needless to say, that was the sweetest one second of my life.

4 Being named one of People magazine's hottest bachelors.

In 2006, the popular magazine picked me, yes, it was on purpose (my mom verified this), as one of its "hottest bachelors."

Did the honor change me? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm no different than I was before any of that crazy stuff ever happe ... Hang on a second. (Yelling at a news clerk) "I said FRAP-puccino, you idiot! What are you, deaf?!" Sorry about that.

What was I saying again? Oh, right, my hair. Yeah, I think it looks pretty good, too. I just got it cut.

3 Spending three days with the Air Force doing weapons training.

In 2008, I spent three days with airmen and women at the Charleston Air Force Base undergoing expeditionary combat skills training, or what the Air Force refers to as ECST.

The takeaway message from that experience? When everybody around you is holding M-16 assault rifles and a nearby structure starts burning, don't yell "fire!"

2 Exacting actual change in my community.

In the middle of 2009, I wrote a column about the sad state of my beloved running path, the West Ashley Greenway. In it, I complained about how there was this one part where a bridge was partially out and thus the path beyond pretty much useless. After months of badgering the city of Charleston along with the help of a good Samaritan named Bob, they finally fixed it.

So the moral of the story here is: Occasionally, in between all the inappropriate comments, bad puns and juvenile poop jokes, I get lucky and accidentally slip something of importance into a column.

This time that accident benefited everybody. You know, except maybe a few "Biggest Loser" contestants who can't make it through the narrow opening of the new bridge.

1 Being a ballboy for Anna Kournikova.

Sure she ended up with as many professional tennis titles as me, but who cares? That chick was hot. (I'm allowed to say this because I wasn't married then. Obviously I find her repulsive now.)

I'd say of the dozen or so balls that came my way during that match, I caught somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

But I'm pretty sure Anna was as distracted as I was. After all, she had to stop playing her match to describe me to security.

10 I'd like to forget

10 Getting attacked by North Charleston police dogs.

One of the first things out of the gate I did for this column was put on a padded suit and let a bunch of police dogs attack me. And let me just say, getting rabies is something everyone should have to experience at least once.

9 Going on a cruise with my mom.

I love my mom, but what in God's name was I thinking agreeing to this? Sure she paid for the trip to Belize, the Cayman Islands and the Bahamas in the winter of 2002-03, but why did I think this would not end with me killing her?

On the bright side, at least the cruise staff thought we were a couple. That was awesome.

8 Picking up dog poop.

I totally should have made this one No. 2 on my list. HA! (God, I'm juvenile.)

Anyway, after spending an entire day with Kostas Ioannidis, who runs a company called Scoopy Doos, which picks up dog poop for a fee, I learned the two basic rules of handling poop:

1. Always be careful where you step and ...
2. Um, see if you can help me find a stick around here somewhere.

7 Working at a wastewater treatment plant.

The only thing worse than dog doo is people doo. In the summer of 2008, I spent a day at Charleston Water System's Plum Island Wastewater Treatment Plant. Though the smell made it hard to think clearly, much less breathe, I was able to compose myself long enough to ask plant engineer Jake Earle several thought-provoking questions, such as:

"Did you study at Duke University?"

"Has a girlfriend ever dumped you because of your job?"

"Do you log a lot of hours on the job?"

6 Being in a dunk tank.

Two words come to mind when reminiscing about my experience sitting on a rusty plank over dark brown water: Regret and herpes.

5 Riding on Earthrace.

In February of 2007, I had the opportunity to go for a two-day boating trip on Earthrace, a 78-foot, state-of-the-art vessel that runs on biodiesel.

Why I thought this wouldn't be a miserable experience is beyond me. Maybe it's because when people talk about being on the water, they speak with a fondness, an admiration, a respect.

In fact, even Christopher Columbus once said, "And the sea will grant each man new hope."

To think I took my boating advice from a man whose most famous trip left him 10,000 miles off his intended target.

4 Taking horses' temperatures.

After working a shift for a local carriage company, I learned a very valuable lesson: If you see a thermometer sitting around a barn next to a box of surgical gloves and Vaseline, DO NOT put it in your mouth.

3 Being a Wal-Mart greeter.

Pay close attention because I'm only going to say this once: "Welcome to Wal-Mart."

There. Congratulations. You now have all the information you need to become a greeter. Combine that with being hard of hearing and you're a lock for the job.

2 Walking the high wire with no net.

When Spoleto came into town in 2003, I met living legend Tino Wallenda, the father of the internationally famous "Flying Wallendas" high-wire act. My mind's a bit fuzzy on the details, but I'm guessing we were sniffing glue at the time, because he somehow talked me into crossing a 40-foot wire 20 feet above the ground -- without a net.

Unfortunately for the state of West Virginia, I lived. Speaking of which ...

1 Ticking off the entire state of West Virginia.

In 2003, when I callously slammed the entire state of West Virginia by applying hurtful stereotypes, I got more e-mails and phone calls than anything I have ever written about before or since.

But out of this horrible incident came a silver lining: I, as a professional columnist, learned a valuable lesson: People in West Virginia CAN read.

So I guess the real question is: Will I be around for 10 more years of this stuff?

Though many people might say that is unlikely, my instinct says yes. After all, that coffeemaker isn't going to clean itself.

THROUGH THE YEARS ....

Over the course of the last nine-plus years, Bryce Donovan has done or been the following:

Race car driver

Olympic flame carrier

Zamboni operator

Diver in the S.C. Aquarium

Charlie the RiverDog

Helicopter pilot

Arena football player

Beer man

Ghost tour guide

Boxing cornerman

Ballerina

CARTA bus driver

Triangle player for the Charleston Symphony Orchestra

Conductor for the Charleston Symphony Orchestra

Firefighter

Seventh-grader

Polar bear swimmer

Channel 5 weatherman

Beekeeper

Miss S.C. pageant judge

Santa Claus

Siberian tiger trainer

Posed in a skirt for Skirt! magazine

Easter Bunny

Caddy for U.S. Open champion Lucas Glover

Drawbridge operator

Played the tuba in a marching band

Put up lights for the Holiday Festival of Lights

Did a series of TV commercials for the Coastal Carolina Fair

Competitive cup stacking

Ran a half-marathon

Ran a marathon

Gave up running

Attended the Kentucky Derby

Spent a day with Stephen Colbert

Was a place kicker for a high school football team

Hated by the entire state of West Virginia

Mount Pleasant police officer

Car salesman

Professional photographer

Male model

Sommelier

Baby sitter

Bagpipe player

Semiprofessional bowler

Vet assistant

ABC Sports intern

Miss S.C. pageant judge

Santa Claus

Main character in a romance novel

Sparring partner

Bomb squad member

Wal-Mart greeter

Siberian tiger trainer

Gerald's employee

Garbage man

Billy Blanks' assistant

Bellydancer

Part of a NASCAR pit crew

Blood donor

Alligator hunter

Got spray-on tanning

Fenced with former All-American

Posed in a skirt for Skirt! magazine

Rib-eating contestant

Horse carriage temperature taker

Semiprofessional cyclist

Mildly professional high diver

Car booter

Wannabe 'Jeopardy!' contestant

Elementary school crossing guard

Easter Bunny

Drove the bookmobile

Led the Cooper River Bridge Run for 3/10ths of a second

Caddy for U.S. Open champion Lucas Glover

Auctioneer

Named one of People magazine's hottest bachelors

Toured with Hootie & the Blowfish

A member of a barbershop quartet

Chef at an upscale restaurant (now a Jiffy Lube)

Rode on an experimental speedboat from Charleston to Miami

Drawbridge operator

Put up a billboard on I-26

Worked in the film room at IMAX theater

Played the tuba in a marching band

Picked up poop

Hosted a bachelor auction

Met hero Dave Barry

Put up lights for the Holiday Festival of Lights

Played pool with then-world No. 2 Karen Corr

Worked at a wastewater treatment plant

Tried paddleboarding

Did a series of TV commercials for the Coastal Carolina Fair

Was in a dunk tank

Spent three days with the Air Force doing weapons training

Competitive cup stacking

Ran a half-marathon

Ran a marathon

Gave up running

Attended the Kentucky Derby

spent a day with Stephen Colbert

Was a place kicker for a high school football team

Guilted the city into fixing a bridge on the West Ashley Greenway

Hated by the entire state of West Virginia

Bryce Donovan absolutely loves his job. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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