We are family (unfortunately)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house were annoying relatives.

No, seriously. Grandpa's on the couch complaining that it's too cold in here. Uncle Ned is standing in front of the TV scratching his butt with the remote. And, of course, your mother-in-law is in the kitchen singing along with her musical Christmas sweater, making you wish the reindeer would come back for her once they're through running over Grandma.

It's enough to drive a sane person to consume large quantities of arsenic or, worse yet, fruitcake.

That's why this week -- just in the St. Nick of time -- I am here to help answer all your burning (and sometimes stinging) questions having to do with family and the holidays. You know, things like how to deal with an overbearing mom and what kind of alcohol works the fastest.

Let's get things started with this question from one of Dr. Phil's children:

Q. My parents insist on coming over for Christmas. What sort of excuse can I make that will keep them away?

A. Tell them your house burned down.

Q. Unfortunately, they live across the street.

A. OK, we're going to have to move on to Plan B: Actually burn down your house.

Q. My dad likes going to the bathroom with the door open.

A. And you want to know how to get him to start closing it?

Q. That would be nice, but actually I'm just looking for advice on how to get him to quit going in the guest room.

Q. My husband and I have decided to get a divorce. Should we wait until after the holidays to break the bad news to the kids?

A. Absolutely. That way the little tykes can more fully enjoy the holidays surrounded by their entire family and without any negativity. Ha! Just kidding. It's totally so you don't have to buy them two sets of presents.

Q. How many naps can I take before it becomes "suspicious"?

A. I'd say two is about all you can reasonably pull off per day. But if you were to suffer, say, some sort of head trauma -- like from accidentally hitting yourself in the head with a tea kettle -- you could probably stretch it to three.

Q. So my mom just married one of my dad's best friends and they're all going to be at the house this weekend. What's the best way to handle this potentially awkward situation?

A. Finally get your revenge on Dad for all those days he embarrassed you in the carpool line sporting his turtleneck and jeans shorts by asking the new guy what he's doing to stay warm this winter.

Q. I have trouble keeping track of the names of all my nieces and nephews. What can I do to help remember them?

A. I suggest making everybody wear name tags. Or if that's too much to handle, try marrying one of George Foreman's brothers.

Q. What's the best way to fake surprise when you open your gift and gaze upon a flesh-colored turtleneck with the half-price sticker from T.J. Maxx still on it?

A. Wait, I'm confused. My grandmother buys presents for you, too?

Q. Is it normal for my stepmother to be kissing me on the lips?

A. Um, no. That's messed up. What is wrong with you? Wait ... is she hot?

Bryce Donovan asked Santa for a Boeing Dreamliner. Reach him (Bryce, not Santa) at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.