Saleaway with Bryce this holiday season

Let's face it, most of us would rather eat bees, have a root canal or watch porn with our parents than go shopping this holiday season, but the fact of the matter is sometimes the Internet goes down and we're forced to. (Go shopping, that is.)

So this year, when braving the long lines of parents buying robot hamsters for their kids, remember these helpful tips sure to make your shopping experience as minimally miserable as possible.

For starters ...

Ditch the list.

Let's say a loved one gives you a list consisting of the following items: a new TV, an iPhone, a leather jacket and a gift certificate to his/her favorite restaurant. Anybody can get them one of the items off their list. BOR-ing! Instead, go off the board and surprise them with a gift that's unusual and from the heart. Like a Snuggie. Or a hermit crab. (Or a Crabbie -- the Snuggie for your hermit crab!)

Decorate your car.

Anybody can put Christmas lights, tinsel or a big bow on their car, but why not stand out from the masses by using decorations that are a little more functional? After all, nothing says, "I'm in the holiday spirit," quite like a red and green snow plow. Not only will people think you're especially festive, but you'll also have a much easier time getting parking spaces.

Drive a bargain.

Just because stores have "price tags" and don't like to "negotiate" or "haggle" because their prices are set in "stone," and, "Bryce, why do you keep using air quotes," be sure to shop around so that you can pit stores against one another. For instance, if you were to go into Best Buy and wanted to purchase a Sony PS3, simply tell them that the Circuit City up the road was selling it for $50 less. And when they tell you that Circuit City went bankrupt a year ago, tell them they look like an idiot in that blue shirt.

Be festive.

Wear reindeer antlers, jingle bells and battery-powered Christmas lights to get in the spirit. Sure you'll look like a dipstick, but when people inevitably start laughing uncontrollably at you, they won't notice when you cut in front of them in line.

Turn up the heat.

Speaking of lines, if they get too long or you're having trouble getting through the sea of people between you and the rack of acid-washed jeans, simply yell "FIRE!" and the crowd will disperse.

Cut coupons.

My grandfather always advocated cutting coupons. "That way, they fit in the garbage can easier," he would say. Keep in mind, he also used to tell the cat to quit barking, so maybe we should just move on to No. 7, which is ...

Don't wait until the last minute.

We all do it and it makes our lives a living hell. So this year get your shopping done early so you can focus on more important things this holiday season. Like renovating the guest room so your parents have to stay in a hotel when they come to visit.

Look for good deals.

Like the car sitting in the parking lot with all the toys in it and the windows halfway down.

Try using only cash.

Ha! Yeah, right. If you want your family to hate you. But if you want to be the cool uncle or mom, you'd better break out the plastic. Because it's my experience that your value as a person is determined by how much money you spend on a loved one.

In closing, if you start to get frustrated with all the long lines and bad traffic, just remember that it is always better to give than to receive ... is an expression that clearly was coined by somebody with dyslexia.

Bryce Donovan reminds you to take great pride in wrapping your purchases. Because when done properly, it can create an element of suspense for what is more than likely to be a huge disappointment come Christmas morning. Reach Bryce at 937-5938.