Hair we go again ...

God, I'm such a cliche.

The day I got married, I completely stopped taking care of myself. Now I don't mean that in the, "Wait, is he putting mayonnaise on his breakfast cereal again?" kind of way. I'm talking personal hygiene. More specifically: I stopped shaving. And showering. And brushing my teeth. And worrying about getting caught drinking at work.

All of which led to comments such as, "And here I thought Rutherford B. Hayes was dead," and, "Did somebody gut a carp in here?" whenever I entered a room.

So I knew I needed to do something. If for no other reason than to keep the seagulls off me when I went outside. That's when I heard about "National Men's Grooming Day" -- a concoction of some razor blade company, no doubt -- and decided it was the perfect opportunity to start showering again. And even better, try out a few new facial hairstyles.

The first look I went for was the goatee. Typically reserved for professional athletes and that fat guy at the gym who always ends up sweating all over the equipment, the goatee is a look that says, "Why hello there ladies, how are y ... wait, where are you going?"

Getting one is easy. Simply put on a mock turtleneck and -- VOILA! -- your facial hair transforms into a goatee. Seriously. I can't explain how this actually works, but it does.

Because this facial hairstyle looked like I was trying too hard, I quickly moved on to my next choice -- the Fu Manchu. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the Fu Manchu, it is fairly similar to the goatee except that it isn't terrible. In fact, it's hard to believe that the removal of such a small portion of hair can make such a big difference. I went from struggling artist to pro wrestler in less than 45 seconds. On a side note, this look terrified our dogs. And neighbors. And self. (No kidding, I totally forgot I had it and when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I tried to give myself my wallet.)

Needless to say, after losing my watch and car keys down the bathroom sink (I kept thinking I was getting robbed), I decided to make the transition to the mustache. Or, as it should be known when I sport one, "molestache." When I walk into a room sporting a moustache, one of two things will happen:

1. I will be maced.

2. I will be offered a job at Radio Shack (sometimes both).

Needless to say, my lady killer caterpillar didn't last long. I just couldn't stand looking like a cheddar log any longer. Let's just say, if he were standing next to me, Wilford Brimley would look sexy.

In the end, I got rid of my facial hair and opted for the cleanshaven look.

Though I didn't find a new look in the process, I did learn a valuable lesson. In the future, I'm going to try a little harder when it comes to my appearance. Sure it might mean getting up a little earlier in the morning to shower and shave, but in the end, I think it will make my life -- and my wife's -- a lot better.

Because I'm pretty sure the seagulls have found a way into the house.

Bryce Donovan gets annoyed when people ask, "Are you trying to grow a beard?" As if that somehow makes it grow faster. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.