Speak of the devil

Two weeks ago, I was asked to speak at Citadel Mall about, among other things, Twitter, the social networking sensation that has everyone, including the creators of Twitter, going: "Can somebody please explain to me what Twitter is?"

But as I took the stage and looked out at the hundreds of eager faces walking right past the empty seating area and toward the Food Court, I realized I needed to adapt. And that's when I reached into my bag of public speaking tricks and began making toilet sounds with my mouth for the next five minutes.

Of course I'm only joking. Security had me off the stage in 60 seconds.

But had they not taken me down with pepper spray I totally would have reached into my versatile bag of public speaking tips, which I will share with you today, the most important of which being:

Put 'em back on.

Contrary to what you've always heard, the last thing you ever want to do is picture your audience without clothes on. Because let's face it, the overwhelming majority of human beings look awful naked. Exhibit A: Your parents.

Make eye contact.

I generally like to pick out somebody in the crowd, lock eyes and then count to 100 Mississippi. Not only does this create a better connection between us, but it also helps them later on when they're filling out the description portion of the restraining order.

Step outside your comfort zone.

Anybody can give a talk about something they're familiar with, but it takes a real public speaking expert to tackle a subject they have absolutely no clue about. For example: Me talking about humor writing.

Ditch the notes.

During a talk, you are always better off "winging it" so that you don't end up sounding like a robot. Sure, this might cause you to ramble aimlessly about your summer vacation three years ago when you should have been talking about "how to maintain focus," but still, it humanizes you and, at the very worst, makes you look like an unprepared idiot.

Use big words.

The best way to establish that you're smarter than your audience is to avoid going the boring route by using "facts" or "statistics." Instead, try talking to them in a condescending tone so that they don't notice your cliffhanger. Which reminds me ...

Always blow your nose.

While it's best to do this before your talk, during also is fine. To really connect with your listeners, try throwing your used tissue into the crowd like an NBA player does with his jersey after a big game.

Use props.

Before you dismiss this idea as "a crutch," ask yourself this question: Has there ever been a more prolific public speaker in our lifetime than Carrot Top?

My personal prop of choice: The bullhorn. Not only does it allow you to keep control of the crowd, but you'll also find you can say pretty much whatever you want because everything sounds the same (unintelligible) when spoken through a bullhorn.

Take an extra five minutes.

Any knucklehead can sense when the crowd has had enough of your dissertation on the company's 2010 economic outlook, but it takes an exceptional speaker to stretch the listeners past their breaking point and into deep-seated anger. Did you know that studies show that most human beings retain more information when they are stressed? Wait. Or am I thinking of water?

Take questions from your audience.

If you've followed all these tips so far, inevitably your listeners will want to know things like, "Did you forget you were supposed to be speaking today?" or "Just how many beers have you had?" Taking questions not only gets the audience involved, it's also a great way to pretend you care what they're saying.

Change YOUR inflection?

One of the easiest ways to hook a group of listeners is by drugging the punch bowl. But the second is to vary your inflection and tone. Try mixing things up a bit by putting a question mark at the end of everything you say. That way, a simple statement like, "That's exactly what we're looking for in our employees" will leave people wanting more. Or, more likely, completely confused. And finally ...

Gesticulate wildly.

If you're lucky, this will temporarily distract from the fact that people think you are a moron.

In closing, speak with confidence and always be on the lookout for the guy with the pepper spray.

Bryce Donovan is being self-deprecating. He had at least three people (if you count his wife and emcee Warren Peper) listening to his talk. OK, so his wife was actually on her cell phone and Warren was signing autographs, but still. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.