Next time I think I'll pass(port)
Let's say you're traveling to Europe this year. Let's also say your passport is valid through next year. Would you be worried? Of course you wouldn't. That's because you are an idiot.
Everybody knows your passport needs to be valid for at least six months after your travel date or they won't let you into most foreign countries. I mean, come on people!
OK, I'm lying. I didn't know this either. Call me crazy, but I thought an expiration date was supposed to be the date on which something expired. *Buzzer sound.*
So now I'm left scrambling to get my passport renewed before my wife and I leave for Spain and Italy (or more likely, my wife leaves for Spain and Italy). Which means I get to deal with the wondrous, well-oiled machine that is our federal government.
Now, I haven't exactly had the best track record with them in the past. For instance, a few years back when I went to apply for a home loan, I was declined because they said I owed the IRS $23,000. So I called my local IRS branch and spoke with a nice lady who quickly fixed my problem.
Ha, ha. Yeah, right. I totally got a recording. But eventually (defined as "five months, three more phone calls and one very painful face-to-face meeting later") they agreed that there must have been some sort of mix up because I didn't look like the kind of person who would defraud the government of 23 grand before he was old enough to walk (their records said I owed them this money in 1976, when I was 1).
But this time around, I am sure things will go much smoother. By which I mean I hope my wife takes some good pictures of Venice.
Just kidding! Seriously though, so far my second experience has been pretty much the exact same story all over again.
Bryce needs help from government. Government acts excited about the prospect of being needed by Bryce. Bryce leaves love notes on the windshield of government's car. Government won't return Bryce's phone calls. Bryce eats an entire cheesecake and then cries himself to sleep.
Seriously, this entire process has been ridiculous. First, I went to the post office, where the employees somehow make DMV workers seem charming. On the negative side, they were absolutely no help whatsoever. However, on the plus side, it's nice to know that there are people out there who know even less about passport renewal than I do.
Next, I called a courier service that guaranteed delivery of my new passport in 10 days. But when I called them back later the same day to ask for the mailing address, I got some guy's personal voicemail (and it was the same guy I had talked to earlier). This seemed sketchy to me, so against my better judgement I moved on to option three: Call the U.S. government's National Passport Information Center. (Its motto: "The second-to-last word is silent!")
The automated call center was super helpful and immediately told me that all I needed to do was fill out form DS-82 and then wait four days and call back at exactly 8 in the morning so that I could schedule an appointment for sometime in the next five to seven business days at the regional passport agency in Miami.
Problem solved! Thanks NPIC!
Unfortunately however, this simple solution didn't work with my schedule and I had to decline.
Which brings us to right now. Plan D. Because I was completely tapped out for ideas and because there aren't any real human beings you can talk with to get help on any passport problems you might have, I threw up a hail Mary and contacted my senator.
Which of course worked.
I can't even get an operator on the phone with the National Passport Information Center but I can call up and immediately speak with Sen. Lindsey Graham's press secretary? Go figure. And here's the best part: She's actually going to fix this for me.
So what have we learned from all this? Well, first of all I'm a moron. But second, our government runs about as smoothly as a 1984 Chevrolet Caprice with sugar in the gas tank. So let me serve as a lesson to all of you: Next time you plan on traveling to a foreign country, save yourself a huge headache. Start planning early, read up on the country you plan to visit and then, a few weeks before it's time to leave, cancel your trip.
Bryce Donovan might have to cut Sen. Graham's grass for the next six months or so. Reach him (Bryce, not Sen. Graham) at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.
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Comments
HaroldKuntz (anonymous) says...
"Mow his grass"....is that what the kids are calling it these days?
August 13, 2009 at 12:39 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bdonovan (Bryce Donovan) says...
In newspapers, yes.
August 13, 2009 at 12:47 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
notsosure (anonymous) says...
Don't you know any local attorneys that could help you? You had to call Washington to get this done? Really, Bryce? If Senator Graham misses an important vote on the health care reform stuff due to dealing with your passport problems, you are going to be in BIG trouble, mister!
August 13, 2009 at 7:40 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
MisWesaMoves (anonymous) says...
Laughing at your struggle, as usual! I hope you get it all worked out! I'm not sure if you got the memo, but my policy is that any friend (or stalkee in your case) that travels to a foreign place that I've never been to, has to bring me back a T-Shirt with that place's name on it. Size large please!
August 13, 2009 at 8:24 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
JoshuasGrandma (anonymous) says...
This guy really must be a moron - I got my passport renewed in 10 days by walking into the Columbia post office - with the application, old passport, pictures and check - all the stuff you are told to have at the State Dept passport renewal website - The postal worker was kind, efficient and courteous - and sent my application in - (to the NH regional office) since he said it was faster. And I got my new passport (and old one back) in 10 days.
I travel to Europe several times a year and have never been denied admittance to any country. Last time my passport was within 3 months of expiration and nobody said a thing. Most of the time, if you're pleasant to the officials and smile, they'll do anything to help. Check your attitude!
August 13, 2009 at 9:05 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
nimuetre (anonymous) says...
How does this guy find his way to work in the morning? If you do not wait until the last minute, getting your passport renewed only takes a couple hours and a very little bit of planning. And the passport office employees are mostly a pleasure to deal with.... provided you don't walk in with a chip on your shoulder looking for trouble. Just do it and shut up.
August 13, 2009 at 9:32 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bdonovan (Bryce Donovan) says...
Look, some of us take a little longer to get our socks on over our shoes, OK? So getting out to the DMV to renew our passport is slightly more difficult.
August 13, 2009 at 10:14 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
justlaughin (anonymous) says...
Bryce - I've got a great idea! Since the Feds are so great at helping you get a Passport, then why don't we turn over the entire healthcare system to them?! Boy, I'm glad I thought of that. I'll sleep better knowing that the future of my health and the health of my children are in such good hands.
August 13, 2009 at 10:15 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
HaroldKuntz (anonymous) says...
"Check your attitude." Just wondering why people don't get that this is just comedy?! Bryce is only HALF as stupid in real life....
Oh....and I'll take a box of chocolates from Belgium. If you're not already planning to go there, just make a quick run. Europe's not that big....
August 13, 2009 at 10:26 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bdonovan (Bryce Donovan) says...
Love the idea justlaughin. And if they could find a way to reduce our benefits at the same time that would be awesome!
August 13, 2009 at 10:27 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
nimuetre (anonymous) says...
Bryce, if you go to the DMV to renew your passport you will have a problem that just might take you some time to resolve... Passports are under the U.S. Department of State. The Passport Office is usually at the Post Office, however passports are easily renewable on line provided you have allowed sufficient time (before needed for travel). Average waiting time 4-6 weeks. Mine took less than 4 weeks.
August 13, 2009 at 10:43 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bdonovan (Bryce Donovan) says...
I was joking about the DMV, but I hear ya nimuetre. The problem here was two things:
1. I'm an idiot.
2. My passport wasn't actually expired so I wasn't worried about it.
As it turns out my wife just happened to read that many countries won't honor a US passport if it expires within 6 months of your travel date (turns out this is true). Mine was five months, so I had to fast-track renew it.
Eh, lesson learned.
August 13, 2009 at 10:49 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
bdonovan (Bryce Donovan) says...
HK, I promise to make a Belgian chocolate run for you.
On the internet.
In 2075.
August 13, 2009 at 10:52 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
alaskared (anonymous) says...
Jordan Almonds from Italy for me, buddy!! Not the pastel ones, just plain white. They are all over Italy, but please make sure they are fresh! Oh, and maybe some fresh Mozzarella...and a loaf of bread...and some fresh parmesan cheese! That's a lot to remember, please write it down!
Bon voyage and make sure you partake of all above mentioned items ;)
August 13, 2009 at 4:01 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
HaroldKuntz (anonymous) says...
Whatever, as long as I get the chocolates.....
Oh, and I'll take some REAL olive oil......and I'll try those almonds too while you're getting some for Red. :)
August 13, 2009 at 7:18 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
MisWesaMoves (anonymous) says...
WHAT ABOUT MY SHIRT??? You better NOT bring Kuntz Belgian chocolate and Red all that Italian crap she wants and not bring me a T-shirt. Boy, I know where you live...
Side Note: Nimuetre and JoshuasGrandma, Bryce IS a ding-dong, but we love him just the same!
August 15, 2009 at 7:57 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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