Runaway train(ing)

When my wife got me a six-week triathlon training program for my birthday, I was so excited, I nearly wet my pants. (NOTE: In this particular instance "nearly" is pronounced "totally.")

I rode this high for a couple of days until somebody finally pointed out that the three activities in a triathlon are not backgammon, "Guitar Hero" and judging a bikini contest.

Sadly, they're swimming, cycling and running. And, of course, emerging from the inevitable coma that follows. Now as to why my wife got me such a physically demanding gift, I have two theories:

1. She overheard me telling a friend how much I've always wanted to compete in a triathlon and thought it would be a sweet and heartfelt gift.

2. She wants me to die.

Right now, I'm leaning toward the second one. Mainly because after my orientation session Tuesday, I have a sneaking suspicion this whole training thing is not going to be easy.

Nonetheless, starting later this week, I begin my six-week program, which eventually will culminate with my first triathlon. Of course, by "culminate with my first triathlon" I mean "funeral."

To quickly review, here is the current state of my ...

Swimming

Ha! Good one. I think the last time I was in a pool was 1985 at Paul Cargill's 10th birthday party. And that was only because I dropped my cupcake in there.

GRADE: D (as in Drowning).

Cycling

A few years ago, when my car was in the shop for a couple of days, I borrowed my neighbor's kid's Dora the Explorer bike and rode it to work.

And while it technically got the job done, let me just say this: If Dora starts using foul language on her cartoon show, I can't totally rule out the possibility that she learned some of it from me.

GRADE: F (as in the really bad word Dora has started using).

Running

If we were talking about running in reference to any of the following: errands, a small business, my car to get it warm during the cold winter months, Windows on my Mac, for president of the LGFC (Lady Gaga Fan Club — lost in a runoff), then the answer would be a resounding yes, my running is outstanding. However, I'm afraid the running they're talking about is the kind you do on your feet. In which case the ruling is: Houston, we have a problem.

GRADE: C+ (but only because I'm grading myself relative to my swimming and cycling ability).

So I guess the real question here is: Will I be able to make it all the way through the six-week program?

My instincts say yes. Just keep in mind my instincts are compulsive liars. So more than likely, the answer is no. But I'm not too worried. After all, I do know a thing or two about calling in sick. (I got through the entire sixth grade impersonating my mother on the telephone.)

Be sure to check back next week when I give a complete status update on my triathlon training progress.

Surely they have wireless Internet at the hospital.

Bryce Donovan is afraid of what his wife might get him for Christmas. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.