"YOU'RE HIRED!" (Is something you'll never hear if you follow these job interview tips)

So you finally got up the nerve to march into your boss's office and tell him you feel underappreciated and underpaid. Naturally, he was impressed by your assertiveness and candor, and promptly fired you.

Which left you looking for a job in one of the toughest economic climates this country has seen since the last time the economic climate was this tough. Which means job interviews are hard to come by. But on the off-chance you are lucky enough to score one of those oh-so-coveted puppies, it's important you don't screw it up by doing anything crazy, like swearing too much or demanding respect from your potential future employer.

In order to nail your interview you're going to need poise, a sense of humor and, most importantly, to leave all your concealed weapons in the car. So this week I'm going to share my five bulletproof tips for acing your job interview and landing a job that will keep you gainfully employed, and, if you play your cards right, equally miserable — for a very long time.

TIP NO. 1: Be fashionably late.

All anybody can ever say is be punctual. But you know what? Nobody wants to hire some nerd who's always early. And let's be honest, do you really think anybody wants to talk to you a minute longer than they have to? So do everybody a favor and show up 10-15 minutes late. Everybody wins!

TIP NO. 2: Be knowledgeable.

Rest assured that if you're interviewing with a company, they will already have done plenty of research on you. So do your homework and learn everything there is to know about them. Just make sure they don't see you outside in the bushes. Because that could be really awkward.

TIP NO. 3: Be memorable.

The key to getting recognized by employers is to make yourself stand out from the crowd. An easy way to achieve this is to rent a clown outfit and/or talk with a pirate accent. Not only will this leave a lasting impression with your potential employer, it also will make it easier for them to describe you to security.

TIP NO. 4: Be prepared.

You can take it to the bank that you will be asked questions like, "What are your strengths and weaknesses?"; "Would you be willing to work on weekends?"; and "What on Earth made you think it would be a good idea to buy 'Girls Gone Wild' DVDs with the company credit card and then give them out as Christmas gifts to your coworkers at your last job?" So be ready with your answers. But if for some reason you are still caught off guard by one of these potential land mines, some good go-to responses include "Guess how much I can bench press?"; "Quit undressing me with your eyes"; and "I should probably be asking you the exact same question."

TIP NO. 5: Be confident.

These days employers are always looking for people who carry themselves with an air of confidence. Let them know you're their man or woman without ever saying a word by never breaking eye contact and squeezing their hand as hard as humanly possible.

BONUS TIP: Before arriving at your interview, change your Facebook status to: "Interviewing with the moron whose job I'm going to eventually take."

So there you have it: some sure-fire tips for nailing that job interview. Just remember, when you eventually end up getting that new job, the best way to keep it is to always work hard, have a good attitude and be a team player.

Of course I'm only joking. You should totally just try to blend in.

Bryce Donovan reminds you to dress for the position you want, not have. That's why he's going to start dressing like an astronaut. Reach him (assuming it's not already too late) at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.