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With a recession looming, unemployment skyrocketing and more personal debt than Michael Jackson and General Motors put together, I decided what better time than the present to take on a huge monthly mortgage payment.

Yep, you read that last sentence right. Earlier this week, in one of the worst economic times this country has seen in the past three decades, I took out a loan to buy my very first home. Am I scared? Yes. Did I go with a bank that's also a Laundromat? Yes. But if there's a bright side to my poorly timed financial decision, it's this: It's not like I was really planning on paying my mortgage anyway.

That said, the homebuying process itself, which I expected to be a horrible, drawn-out, painful ordeal, was actually a pleasant surprise. You know, in the sense that a trip to the dentist where you're thinking you need to have two root canals, only to have him check you out and determine you need only one and a second-degree bone graft is a pleasant surprise.

But this week, my pain is your gain because I'm going to share the nine homebuying secrets they don't want you to know. Starting with ...

SECRET NO. 1: Don't ever fall in love with a house.

Avoid heartbreak by not getting "locked in" to any one particular house. Because much like your first serious girlfriend, in all likelihood, the seller will keep their options open by entertaining offers from all other buyers behind your back, and then when it finally comes time for you to make an offer - BAM! - she's pregnant with some other guy.

SECRET NO. 2: Never fully trust your real estate agent.

Naturally, this tip doesn't apply to me for two very important reasons:

1. Mine is the best.

2. She might be reading this.

However, others of you might not be so lucky. So let them think you know what you're talking about by using terms such as "escrow" and "encumbrance" as often as possible. For example:

WRONG: "How long will the bank keep our earnest money in escrow?"

RIGHT: "Escrow look at a different house, y'all."

SECRET NO. 3: Don't be afraid to ask, even during closing itself, what "closing" is.

Odds are you won't get a straight answer because let's face it, nobody, including the mortgage lenders, actually knows what 'closing' is. All they know is it's a good time to try to sneak in a few extra charges, which leads me to ...

SECRET NO. 4: Make sure your lender explains every single little fee involved in closing.

Many times, lenders will try to add a bunch of hidden taxes and fees in order to make up for the fact that rates are so low that they aren't making as much off the loans. So be sure yours doesn't try to slip in things like "processing fees," "tax stamps" or his own mortgage payment.

SECRET NO. 5: Pay close attention during the home inspection.

If you're anything like me, you have a tough time staying focused on any one topic for more than 10 seconds. But during a home inspection, it's critical you prevent your mind from wandering when the inspector is telling you stuff such as, "This ceiling fan wasn't mounted properly," and, "If I were you, I'd replace this roof tomorrow because right now, as rotten as these cross beams are, something as small as a baby squirrel could bring this thing crashing down on that wall over there would be the perfect spot to mount my 40-inch flat-panel TV."

SECRET NO. 6: Lower your standards.

Rarely is your first home going to be your dream home. Keeping that in mind, be sure to ask yourself several tough questions, such as:

-- Do I absolutely positively have to have something brand-new?

-- Is indoor plumbing really all it's cracked up to be?

-- If push comes to shove, couldn't I learn to sleep through gunfire?

-- Do I really need four walls?

-- How hard can it be to get blood stains out of carpet?

SECRET NO. 7: Always insist on referring to the seller as the "homeowner."

This won't help you a bit when it comes to negotiating a sales price, but if you're an 8-year-old like me, it never stops being hilarious.

SECRET NO. 8: Be wary of interest rates that are too good to be true.

Always read the fine print carefully when taking out a loan. Why? Well because it's generally smaller than the large print. But also because banks have all sorts of different kinds of rates and it's important you know which one you're signing up for. For instance, a rate can be fixed, variable, intermittent, closed-captioned or Bonnie.

SECRET NO. 9: Get the one your wife wants.

Anybody who tells you you should buy a house that suits both you and your wife clearly:

1. Has never been married.

2. Wasn't around for the last 5,078 houses you looked at that were, "fine, I guess."

That said, if she finally comes across one she likes - and trust me when I say this will take a long time because finding a house with a Jacuzzi tub in every single room is no easy task - BUY IT IMMEDIATELY.

In closing (HA! A little real estate humor there), make sure you do all your homework before buying your first home. By doing so, you can be confident that you've made the right decision, thus allowing you to sleep like a baby.

Even through the gunfire.

Bryce Donovan bought his house on eBay and is wondering if maybe he should have at least asked to see a picture first. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.