Long drive time stressful for young children
EX-ETIQUETTE FOR PARENTS
Q: My ex-husband and I have shared 50-50 custody of our 5-year-old daughter since she was 2. Last year, we amended the court order to say our daughter will go to kindergarten in my area and live with me during weekdays and with him on weekends — just during the school year. He lives more than an hour from the school. But now he's changed his mind and does not want to honor the court order.
A: We think what you're saying is that your ex now wants to share custody during the week and drive your child to school on his days with her — and you live an hour away from each other. If this is so, it's time for Dad to take a closer look at what he's proposing. What worked for a 2-year-old often does not work when a child grows older. Kindergarten is every day and rarely a full day — so there will be daily child care to consider if Mom can't step in.
If you are looking to make this child's life stress-free, we suggest you live closer to each other. Shared custody is difficult enough without adding distance to the mix. To expect a child of 5 to sit in a car for two hours is not in the best interest of the child; it's in the best interest of the parent who moved after the divorce.
Parents often move after divorce so as not to live close to "the ex." But as the kids get older, the logistics of living, say, an hour away from your child's other parent while attempting 50-50 custody get complicated. The kids resent the time spent in the car, make friends and participate in after-school activities an hour away, and eventually balk when it's time to go to the other parent's home. This is when so many end up in Jann's office renegotiating the placement agreement. And if one of the parents gets a new partner, there are additional problems, such as coordinating the partner's children's schedules.
We aren't suggesting you live down the street from each other, but at least try for the same school district. Then good ex-etiquette really comes into play.
You could both be at the kids' games or at the same hot spots, maybe with new dates, and emotions run high. That's when ex-etiquette rule No. 1 needs to become your mental mantra: "Put the kids first — put the kids first."
Jann Blackstone-Ford, Psy.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents." Reach them at eebonusfamilies.com.
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