Student bloopers provide historic perspective

Even if you happened to vote Republican last week, you have to be pleased with the way America has embraced our new president-elect. In order to add a little perspective to this historic event, it's useful to recall Richard Lederer's (condensed) "history" of the world. Lederer used to teach English at St. Paul's School in Concord, N.H., and derived the history from certifiably genuine student bloopers.

"Would you believe that the Greek epic poet, Homer, wrote 'The Oddity'? What about Wyatt Burp and Wild Bill Hiccups, two great western marshals? These tidbits concern just a fraction of what can be found in this most interesting history.

"Near the beginning, the inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. Certain areas of the desert are cultivated by irritation.

"The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

"God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons gave refuse to the Israelites.

"Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

"The Greeks invented three kinds of columns — Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.

"One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable.

"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

"Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing fiddle to them.

"Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.

"Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

"Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

"The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth I was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a queen, she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah!'

"The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

"Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote 'Donkey Hote.' The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife died and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'

"One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English people put tacks in their tea. The colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.

"Delegates from the thirteen original stated formed the Contented Congress. Benjamin Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He produced electricity by rubbing cats backward and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

"The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

"George Washington married Martha Custis and in due time became the father of our country. Later, Abraham Lincoln became our greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

"Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

"On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.

"Meanwhile, in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book call 'Candy.' Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

"During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

"Queen Victoria was the longest queen on the throne. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

"The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote 'The Organ of the Species.' Madman Curie discovered radium."

Edward M. Gilbreth is a Charleston physician. Reach him at edwardgilbreth@comcast.net.