Parents and teens often miss relationship warning signs

istockphoto/illustrati on by Rodolfo Larios Lopez
The Post and Courier

It starts out innocently enough. Your middle- or high school-age daughter has a boyfriend. They talk on the phone. They text.

You think it's sweet.

But soon enough, you start seeing red flags.

Or maybe, like many parents, you don't see the signs at all.

One in five 13- or 14-year-olds in relationships say they know friends and peers who have been "struck in anger" by a boyfriend or girlfriend, according to a 2008 survey by Teenage Research Unlimited, Liz Claiborne Inc. and LoveIsRespect.org, which operates the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.

Sixty-two percent have friends who have been called stupid, worthless or ugly by their dates, according to the survey, which included 1,043 'tweens (ages 11-14), 523 parents of 'tweens and 626 teens.

"What makes this data so disturbing is the clear and unexpected finding that dating abuse and violence begins at such a young age," Jane Randel, vice president of corporate communications for Liz Claiborne, said earlier this year at a news conference that coincided with the survey's release.

And, Randel added, "Parents don't know what's going on."

"We were totally oblivious," admits Charleston mom Mary Foster. "When Lindsey was in middle school, she had a boyfriend who turned out to be abusive, but we had no idea until the relationship was over."

Lindsey Foster, now 23, says the abuse was mostly verbal.

"He would just say mean things to me, things that I realize now were meant to control me," she says. "At the time, I thought it was a normal part of a relationship. I didn't like the things he said to me, but I also didn't want him to dump me."

Types of abuse

Dating abuse often starts with teasing and name calling, which many youngsters believe to be a normal part of a relationship, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. But that behavior can lead to more serious abuse.

The CDC says there are three common types of dating abuse:

--Physical abuse (pinching, hitting, shoving, etc.).

--Emotional abuse (name calling, teasing, threats, bullying or keeping a teen away from friends and family).

--Sexual abuse (forcing someone to engage in a sex act).

Teens who are abused are more likely to do poorly in school, engage in unhealthy behaviors, be angry or stressed or even attempt suicide, according to the CDC. Abused teens often become abusers themselves.

Typically, boys are the abusers and girls are the victims, but that's not always the case.

Teen dating violence runs across race, gender and socioeconomic lines. The National Center for the Victims of Crime's National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative shows that both males and females are victims.

It also says boys and girls are abusive in different ways: Girls are more likely to yell, threaten to hurt themselves, pinch, slap, scratch or kick, while boys injure girls more severely and frequently.

Experts say it's difficult to know exactly how common teen dating violence is because surveys ask for different information and because many cases go unreported.

"Some studies only take into account physical abuse, but others ask about psychological and emotional abuse, too," says Summerville counselor Sherry Young. "It's hard to compare apples to apples."

Even so, past estimates of physical and sexual dating violence among high school students typically range from 10 percent to 25 percent, and estimates for college students range from 20 percent to 30 percent, according to the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center.

"The numbers are alarming," says Young. "Especially if you consider that these are only the reported cases."

Know the signs

While teens often report knowing someone who has been physically, sexually or verbally abused, many victims are afraid to report abuse.

Only a third of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse, according to a 2005 Teenage Research Unlimited survey.

What's more, only about 51 percent say they are aware of the warning signs of a hurtful dating relationship.

And slightly more than half, 54 percent, said they would know what to do if a friend came to them for help, the survey said.

"Because I didn't have any signs of abuse, I didn't really realize what was happening at the time," says Lindsey Foster. "I think it's important for kids to know what the signs are and what they should do if they are being abused or if their friend is being abused."

Her mother couldn't agree more.

"When you realize what has happened to your child, you feel very guilty that you didn't see it at the time," says Mary Foster. "I think it's important for parents and kids to know the signs."

The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center says the following signs, especially if they are sudden changes, can be a cause for concern:

--Unexplained bruises, scratches or injuries.

--Being afraid of the girlfriend or boyfriend.

--Controlling, jealous or possessive behavior.

--Being criticized or insulted by the boyfriend or girlfriend.

--Apologizing for the boyfriend's or girlfriend's behavior to you or others.

--Losing interest in activities or hobbies that once were important.

--Change in appearance.

--Change in attitude, mood or personality. Avoiding eye contact or becoming secretive.

"It's important that teens who are being abused, or know someone who is, report it to a trusted adult," Young says. "They should tell a teacher, counselor, youth minister, someone who can help them figure out how to get out of the relationship safely."

Teen dating facts

--1 in 5 teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.

--1 in 3 girls who have been in a serious relationship say they've been concerned about being physically hurt by their partner.

--1 in 4 teens who have been in a serious relationship say their boyfriend or girlfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; the same number have been pressured to spend time only with their partner.

--1 in 3 girls between the ages of 16 and 18 say sex is expected for people their age if they're in a relationship; half of teen girls who have experienced sexual pressure report they are afraid the relationship would break up if they did not give in.

--Nearly 1 in 4 girls who have been in a relationship (23 percent) reported going further sexually than they wanted as a result of pressure.

Signs of dating abuse for teens

Do you:

--Ever feel guilty about having your own friends and own interests?

--Often feel pressured to spend time with your boyfriend/girlfriend when you'd rather do something else?

--Keep opinions or concerns to yourself to make things easier?

--Change your behavior to avoid fighting with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

--Get jealous when you talk to friends of the opposite sex?

--Complain about or try to control what you wear?

--Call or text you excessively?

--Push you to do things you aren't sure you want to (such as sex or drugs)?

More resources

For more information on teen dating violence, visit:

--Choose Respect Initiative: www.chooserespect.org

--The Date Safe Project: www.thedatesafeproject.org

--Love Is Not Abuse: www.loveisnotabuse.com

--Know the Red Flags: www.knowtheredflags.com

--National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.ndvh.org

--National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

--National Sexual Violence Resource Center: www.nsvrc.org

--National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center: www.safeyouth.org

--See It and Stop It: www.seeitandstopit.org

Reach Brenda Rindge at 937-5713 or brindge@postandcourier.com.