I think I tan, I think I tan

Every now and again, we as human beings do things that are just plain idiotic. You know, like cross the street without looking both ways or watch an entire episode of "Dr. Phil."

Me? Well, last week I went to the tanning bed.

Yep. You read right. The old fake and bake. The roast 'n' ghost. The lovin' oven.

In fact, for the past five days I've gone in an effort to transform my pasty, girly physique into a tan, girly physique.

But just because I'm admitting I'm frequenting the tanning bed doesn't necessarily mean I'm proud of it. In fact, to be perfectly honest, the whole thing gives me the creeps. I mean, there's just something inherently wrong about getting into a machine that cooks you like a Thanksgiving turkey. But as much as the idea of slow roasting my internal organs freaks me out, the bottom line is: I need to find a way to become substantially less white before I hit the beach in Jamaica next week. Which is why I figured my best bet would be to go to the tanning bed. (Other suggestions from friends included: "Why don't you try taking off your shirt for a change" and "You know what? On second thought, maybe you should put it back on."")

Very quickly I learned that going to the tanning bed is way more complicated than I ever thought. For instance, you also have to decide whether you're going to ...

Stand up or lie down.

Nowadays, newer tanning salons have a few machines that allow you to get a tan while standing up. Call me old school (or is it old cancer?), but I prefer the more classic coffin-style tanning bed instead.

Wear clothes or go "commando."

Some men and women will tell you how much they hate tan lines. As a result, they tend to lie in the tanning bed naked. Personally, I am in favor of wearing clothes during the process. Not only because I find tan lines sexy, but because — and sadly, I speak from experience here — you don't want to sunburn your ...

Assume personal responsibility.

You will inevitably be asked to sign a waiver or read a sign that says, "You know you're an idiot, right?" Or something to that effect. This is one of those release-and-hold-harmless deals that every place seems to do nowadays, but I'm pretty sure that if you found a good lawyer, you could totally sue them for making you look like a leather couch.

Use any of their "special" lotions.

Every time you go into a tanning salon, they try to sell you some sort of lotion or gel to put on your body. These are typically called things like "accelerant" or "bronzer" or "Armor All." It's my personal experience that you should avoid these. Because if there's one thing that's worse than having a sunburn on your private parts, it's having a sunburn on your private parts AND smelling like the interior of a '67 Camaro.

Wear protective eyewear.

It is important to remember that wearing goggles helps protect your eyes from harmful UVA and UVB rays that can destroy retinal tissue and cause permanent visual impairment. It is also important to remember that you will look like a complete nerd in them. So, you know, just keep that in mind.

TANNING TIP NO. 33: If you are pregnant or think you may be pregnant, avoid drinking alcohol while in the tanning bed. Wait, now that I think about it, you might want to ask your doctor if you should even be going to the tanning bed in the first place.

<strong>Bryce Donovan </strong>is feeling "tanfastic," which, of course, means "really sunburned." Reach him at 937-5938 or <a href="mailto:bdonovan@postandcourier.com">bdonovan@postandcourier.com</a>.

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