Guests, not gifts, get short shrift at shower

Q I'm paying a great deal of money to fly to Dallas from California in order to attend a baby shower of the daughter of an old friend. This is the daughter's second marriage — first marriage was a disaster — and she is having a child with her new husband. She had two children from a previous marriage. I just found out that the mother-to-be is not planning to open gifts at the baby shower "because it would take too long." The "family" was then to be invited to her home after the shower to open gifts. I am not "family" and was not invited back to the family member's home. Is this poor taste, or am I just being "old-fashioned"? I might not have gone if I had known. I double-checked the invitation and it did list her registry, however, no mention that gifts were not to be opened.

A: Showers originated as a way for the community to help new couples, or in this case, a mother, start a little ahead, not in debt or wanting for something necessary. Baby showers are most often offered for first babies, very often for second babies — and rarely for third babies, unless there are huge age differences between children and Mom is starting over with the new baby, which is frequently the case in second marriages.

We have to agree with you. We think it's rude to disregard guests and open the presents at a family member's home after the shower.

Doing that takes on a feeling of "I invited you for the present," which would insult even the most thick-skinned attendees.

If the mother has registered at a department store, she is essentially telling her guests "Buy me this," so she should have the decency to open what was offered and thank each guest individually for the generosity.

And, this doesn't relinquish her from the responsibility of writing a thank-you note.

Taking the presents to another place so that only family members can enjoy what the mother has received has an air of superiority in our eyes, especially if you went to the expense to fly in from out of town to attend.

In her defense, the mother may have initiated such an idea because the pregnancy has been stressful and opening a lot of presents all at once just seems too much. If the mother-to-be finds herself overwhelmed by opening presents and personally thanking the guests at the shower, she is either too ill to have a shower or she has invited too many people.

She should consider a shower for after the child is born when she feels better or possibly have more than one shower so that the guest list can be reduced and she can spend adequate time comfortably thanking the people who so generously offered their gifts.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).