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Honey, moon that group of people over there

Bryce Donovan
The Post and Courier

Here we see one of those crafty towel animals, just waiting patiently for Bryce to get close enough so it can attack.

It's a magical thing when, after years of endlessly searching this crazy, messed-up world, you are lucky enough to find that perfect match, the one that complements you better than all the rest and makes you happier than you've ever been in your entire life.

Of course, I am referring to the nacho cheese dip at the hotel I stayed at in Jamaica on my honeymoon. It was unbelievable. I mean, in all my years of eating dips — and if there's one thing I think we all can agree on it's that if there was ever an expert on dips, it's me — I've never found one with such a perfect flavor and consistency. I think it's safe to say it was a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Oh, and my wife was there, too, which was kinda cool.

As it turns out, she was everywhere. In fact, I couldn't get rid of her. Evidently, this is how honeymoons work. But as I quickly learned, this can often be a good thing (like when I ate 14 pounds of the aforementioned cheese dip, and she was there to drive me to the hospital.) A few of the other things I learned on my honeymoon were ...

ALL-INCLUSIVE IS THE WAY TO GO.

Call me a redneck, but there's just something unbelievably awesome about being able to order anything you want to eat or drink and not get charged extra for it.

Been wanting to try that elaborate mixed drink you've always heard about? Now's your chance. Craving a cheeseburger in the middle of the night? Room service has you covered. Want a gin and tonic with breakfast? You might have a drinking problem.

But seriously, can you imagine how awesome it would be if other things in life were all-inclusive?

DOCTOR: "OK, it looks like all you've got is a mild knee sprain."

YOU: "Whew. That's a relief. I was afraid I might have torn something. Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair and ... "

DOCTOR: "You know, while I'm down here I might as well check that prostate."

OK, so on second thought, maybe that wouldn't be so great.

ANYTHING CALLED AN "EXCURSION" IS A RIP-OFF.

Don't get me wrong, riding horses alongside a major highway at rush hour with a tour guide who speaks three words of English is great fun and all, but should it really cost $150 per person?

TOWEL ANIMALS ARE WEIRD.

At certain hotels the maids seem to get a kick out of making your bath towels into animal sculptures. You know, things like swans, fish, Hello Kitty. OK, so I might have just been hoping for the last one, but still, it's a bit unnerving to come back to your room and be afraid you might get attacked by whatever the heck that thing is on top of your bed, so I run outside and shriek like a little girl. Wait, I mean you. You run outside.

YOU LOSE TRACK OF TIME.

If you are truly enjoying yourself on your honeymoon, you will find that the days start to run together. For instance, I spent the better part of 10 minutes (at the bargain price of $32.50 per minute) yelling at my travel agent over the phone about something that later left me a bit embarrassed.

ME: "What kind of hotel complains about you leaving dirty clothes on the floor?"

TRAVEL AGENT: "One that you were supposed to check out of three days ago."

ME: "I see."

EVERYTHING IS COUPLE-Y.

When you go to any Jamaican all-inclusive resort, everything seems to come in twos. You know, things like beach chairs, bathrobes, guys trying to sell you marijuana, etc.

YOUR WIFE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DRINK 17 RED STRIPE BEERS AND THEN GO TO THE GIFT SHOP AND PICK OUT AN $83 SET OF COCONUT WIND CHIMES THAT ARE SO BIG THAT SHE CAN'T FIT THEM IN HER SUITCASE SO SHE CONVINCES YOU TO PUT THEM IN YOURS LEAVING YOU NO ROOM FOR ANY OF YOUR STUFF SO YOU HAVE TO JAM ALL YOUR BELONGINGS INTO YOUR CARRY ON BAG WHICH NEVER HAS A PRAYER OF FITTING INTO THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT SO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT SAYS SHE'S GOING TO NEED TO LOOK AT IT AND YOU ARE COMPLETELY EMBARRASSED WHEN IN FRONT OF ALL THE OTHER PASSENGERS SHE PULLS OUT A 5-GALLON JAR OF NACHO CHEESE DIP AND A GIRAFFE MADE OUT OF A TOWEL.

Or, you know, some other completely hypothetical situation.

Bryce Donovan can't wait to take his next honeymoon. Preferably with the same woman. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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