SEWE Field Guide

The bulk of the Southeastern Wildlife Exposition flock descends on the peninsula today, beginning a three-day habitation that will fill hotels, tie up traffic and make our historic city just a bit more colorful. To help you make the most of this great event, we've prepared this weekend field guide to help you identify the various species of SEWE participants. Can you spot all five?

Serious Collectors

Altus ars optimus

Habitat: Upscale areas in Charlotte, Raleigh, Greenville, Columbia and Atlanta. Can be spied at country clubs, yacht facilities, tony restaurants, galas.

Migratory plumage: Males sport blue blazers and khaki slacks for their annual SEWE migration; females are usually more brightly colored, but may molt many times a day, depending on changes in environment and temperature.

Comments: Like many apex predators, Serious Collectors observe their targets with an unhurried air, then descend decisively. Though fearsome, they are surprisingly sensitive to small changes in their environment and may become quickly annoyed.

Dog People

Canis populus

Habitat: Urban centers, suburbs, rural areas, savannas, woods, coastal plains, foothills, mountains. Everywhere, basically.

Migratory plumage: Migratory Dog People resemble native Dog People, but experienced SEWE watchers look for these signs: 1) 'My Border Collie is Smarter Than Your Honors Student' bumper stickers; 2) 'I (heart) My Boykin Spaniel' T-shirts; 3) Typically accompanied by one or more Labs.

Comments: Dog People are the friendliest SEWE species and most interact well with kids. Don't approach suddenly, as they can be protective.

True Sportsmen

Panton interimo piscis

Habitat: Suburbs, small towns and rural areas, typically located within minutes of a shooting range, hunting preserve or fishing area.

Migratory plumage: Camouflage shirts; camouflage pants; camouflage hats; camouflage footwear; camouflage jackets; camouflage vehicles; camouflage lingerie. And black sunglasses.

Comments: Organizers have never gotten an accurate count of how many True Sportsmen attend the event because so many are mistaken for foliage.

Interior Decorators

Perficio pingo sollicitus

Habitat: Suburbs and small towns.

Migratory plumage: Though they resemble some common local fauna, Interior Decorators migrate, graze and hunt in packs, occasionally accompanied by Bored Spouses, a symbiont species.

Comments: Interior Decorators are easy to attract. Wander alertly through expo crowds calling out, 'Oh, how fabulous! Oh, how fabulous!' or, alternately: 'Those colors will go perfectly with your couch!' Alternate calls to avoid sounding tacky.

Big Game Hunters

Bellua interimo

Habitat: Most split time between seasonal urban dens and remote wildernesses in both North America and Africa.

Migratory plumage: Both males and females of this species are khaki-colored, further distinguished by broad-brimmed hats, epaulets, firm jaws and determined, steely gazes.

Comments: Do not show fear in their presence, stay downwind of them whenever possible and never, under any circumstances, offer one a clean shot at you.