O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree ... why are thee so expensive?

Ah, it's that magical time of year again when we gather up the family and our trusty ax, hop in the car and drive around town in search of the perfect tree; and when we finally find it, we smile that big holiday smile, and with the Christmas spirit dwelling deep within us, use the ax to keep the salesman at bay as we strap the tree to the top of our car and drive off because who in their right mind would ever pay $125 for a Fraser fir?

Of course, I'm only joking. There's no such thing as the Christmas spirit.

At least not when it comes to tree shopping. Prices are high, trees are ugly and I'm wanted for petty larceny in six states. At the risk of hyperbole, I can honestly say that nothing — short of possibly having a root canal AND a prostate exam at the same time (both done by your dentist) — is as miserable or discouraging as shopping for a Christmas tree. Trust me, I've done both.

Right now, you might be saying, "But Bryce, there are plenty of reputable Christmas tree salesmen out there if you just shop around." After which we'd all share a good laugh because that's pretty funny.

So that's why I've decided to help you, my amazing readers, this Christmas season by sharing my handy Do's and Don'ts for tree shopping in the hopes that your experience won't be any more miserable than it has to be.

DO haggle on prices.

Buying a Christmas tree is a lot like buying a new car, only more expensive. The price marked on the tree isn't necessarily the price you pay. That said, it's up to you to do what is known as "haggling." For those of you unsure exactly how to do this, the following are examples of the right and wrong ways to haggle:

WRONG: "It says here this tree is $75. I'd be willing to pay $70."

RIGHT: "I have naked pictures of your wife."

DON'T get a big tree.

Ignore all those e-mails you get every day talking about how size matters. When it comes to Christmas trees, smaller is not only classier, it's better (not to mention cheaper). And if anybody makes fun of your tree's size, just discreetly explain that you keep your thermostat set really low.

DO make sure your tree is fresh.

BAD SIGN: You shake it gently and lots of needles fall off.

GOOD SIGN: It asks your wife what she's doing for New Year's Eve.

DON'T forget the preservative.

Many places sell what is known as Christmas tree preservative. This helps extend the tree's life as well as prevent it from dropping as many needles. Believe me when I say it really works. Last year, I used some of the stuff and mine didn't lose a single needle. Hand to God. I imagine it works just as well on real trees, too.

DO talk the talk.

To prevent getting ripped off when shopping for a Christmas tree, it's important to speak what insiders like to refer to as "Treesalesman." For example:

WRONG: "I'm looking for a tree that's 6 or 7 feet tall."

RIGHT: "You got anything under 10 foot?"

DON'T be afraid to go to Home Depot.

Sure, people might laugh when you tell them you got your tree from a home improvement store, but they won't be laughing when you explain how much easier it is to steal from a big place like that. (However, you should be prepared for awkward silence. Possibly followed by a visit from the police.)

DO ask if they deliver.

Many places that sell Christmas trees also offer delivery for a small charge. Take advantage of this service. After all, nothing is more embarrassing than having to ask for help flipping your Mazda Miata back over after making a corner too quickly on the way home.

DON'T buy from abbreviators.

This is the most basic rule of thumb: Anybody who sells "X-mas" trees is a lazy moron. Think about it. They had 11 months to write the sign and they still abbreviated.

In conclusion, by following these simple tips, Christmas tree shopping can be an activity that brings the entire family together. A night in jail will do that.

Bryce Donovan might possibly have a squirrel infestation in his tree. Either that or his wife is eating all the potpourri at night. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.