Synchronized fishing sure beats diving

NBC — aka The Michael Phelps Network — is trying hard. But one nice Opening Ceremony, one swift Spitzish swimmer and hope for a few good protest clashes cannot carry a Summer Olympics over a full two weeks.

Beijing lacks healthy air and sports depth.

Some of these competitions are so obscure you wonder when a gold medal will be awarded to the fastest person to climb Yao Ming.

The global village deserves a better brand of entertainment.

-- Corny sport: Synchronized diving.

Problem: What with all the jet lag, synchronizing anything on Beijing time has to be difficult. There is potential here, but it would have to involve a coed competition and weight divisions up to super heavy. Imagine, for instance, a pair of Charleston radio talk show hosts diving off the bow of the Yorktown with judges scrutinizing.

Actual NBC commentary: "It was a good dive, just not good enough." Which pretty much sums up the concept.

Proposed replacement sport: Synchronized fishing. Teams of good 'ol boys from such diverse angler havens as Finland, South Korea and Goose Creek try to pull various species out of the water at precisely the same time. Using only IOC-approved crickets and worms.

Ditka and Woodcock

-- Corny sport: Equestrian.

Problem: Fewer people around the world know anything about equestrian than know where to find decent Thai food in West Pelzer.

Actual NBC commentary: "This horse has so much presence." Sure, but is the horse from the same country as the rider and can the horse prove it?

Proposed replacement sport: Horse racing. For one thing, you have to like the part about there being no language barrier among the athletes. Consider the whole national pride thing roaring down the stretch. Finally, your chance to hit a Czech Republic-Vietnam-Egypt trifecta.

-- Corny sport: Team handball.

Problem: Always hate to be jingoistic but, c'mon. If Americans needed to know anything about team handball, Mr. Woodcock would have taught us in middle school gym class.

Actual NBC commentary: "The goalie has to be in position and just react quickly." Yeah, or the other team might, like, score.

Proposed replacement sport: Team competitive eating. Gaining popularity, this sport has lots to offer the common man (and woman). Obviously, the Chinese would enjoy a home-buffet advantage and no one wants to eat whatever they plan on serving in London in 2012. But, oh, just wait 'til we get to Chicago in 2016. The obvious choice for U.S. head coach? One word: Ditka.

The Matt Lauer toss

-- Corny sport: Women's fencing.

Problem: Someone could get an eye poked out.

Actual NBC commentary: "And the U.S. sweeps! Gold, silver and bronze!" But is "sword fighting expert" good for the social life?

Proposed replacement sport: Some kind of competition in which really athletic women try to throw Matt Lauer.

-- Corny sport: Weightlifting.

Problem: Not enough action. Let's see one of these little guys from Austria or Zimbabwe run through the Beijing Airport while carrying William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

Actual NBC commentary: "That is a ridiculous amount of weight!" Over time, bad for the lower back, too.

Proposed replacement sport: Dancing With the Stars. What does Azerbijan have to put up against Jerry Rice? Even drawing only from a pool of Southeastern Conference head football coaches and Erin Andrews, the U.S. probably is a lock for at least the silver medal.

Reach Gene Sapakoff at gsapakoff@postandcourier.com.