Ray Ray's mom: Public exposure as an addict has helped her turn life around

CLEMSON — Oprah Winfrey's camera crew was waiting anxiously outside the dilapidated hotel room, and Tonya McElrathbey wanted no part of it.

She had just returned from an all-night bender and wasn't in any mood to reflect on the addiction that her son, Ray Ray McElrathbey, had already exposed for everyone to see.

"Ray Ray shut the door and we were both crying," she recalled. "I was a mess. I was so ashamed. I said, 'This is it, Ray Ray. I'm through. I'm done.' "

That was last fall, and she said it also was her last time being high.

In the grip of drugs for 20 years and hooked on crack cocaine for a decade, she said proudlyand confidently that she has been clean and sober since Oct. 16.

She was initially shocked, even a tad offended, when her son recounted her frailties and failures, first to The Post and Courier and then to newspapers, magazines and television programs across the country. Now, she believes the embarrassing exposure was instrumental in changing her life for good.

"It allowed me to see it for what it really was," she said. "It brought me straight out of denial. You know when you watch a show and you say, 'How in the hell can somebody do that?' I realized that was me."

McElrathbey, 41, spoke by phone from Atlanta, where she is slowly putting her life back together after spending years ripping it apart. She lives in a community of recovering addicts on the west side of the city, not far from the temptations she succumbed to for so long.

She spent seven months in an inpatient rehabilitation facility. Since late April, she has worked in customer service for a large communications company. Even though it takes her more than two hours to reach her job by bus, she hasn't shown up late or missed a day.

She has begun the process of paying back the mountain of debt she amassed over the years. She hopes to get a driver's license and a car soon, and she's planning on beginning nursing school in January.

"I'm such a miracle," she said. "I used to fantasize about drugs. I used to dream about drugs. Now, I dream about other stuff. I have lost the desire to use, and that's amazing for a drug addict."

For Ray Ray, who plays football at Clemson, it's the longest stretch of sobriety he can remember his mother experiencing.

"It means everything," he said. "It's an act of God."

Last fall, McElrathbey lived in a ramshackle hotel room with two of her children. Drug dealers and prostitutes weren't far beyond the door, and the situation looked hopeless as she regularly left for days at a time to satisfy her cravings for alcohol and crack.

She's in no hurry to get her children back. Cornelius, a junior in high school, and Brittany, a ninth-grader, are living with family in the Atlanta area and doing well, she said.

Fahmarr, 12, has been in the custody of Ray Ray since last year and plans to remain with him until he's 18.

"The first thing I want to do is make sure I'm OK," she said. "I'm taking parenting classes, learning how to be a parent and learning things I never knew because of my addiction. I don't want to get them and get overwhelmed again. Of course I want my children back, but I want to make sure I can be the best parent I can be."

Through treatment and counseling, she's been able to trace the origins of her addictions.

"My mother was an alcoholic," she said. "I had a lot of resentment and started running. I had a lot of kids fast. I felt overwhelmed. I felt unmanageable. I didn't know how to live as an adult. I spent my teenage years getting high while everybody else was progressing."

She has been warmly received by the Clemson community. When Ray Ray and the Tigers played in the Music City Bowl last December, she made the trip to Nashville and felt embraced. She plans to attend games this season.

"I'm just so grateful to everybody in South Carolina and Clemson and all over the nation who heard my story and reached out to me," she said. "I get such a warm reception when I go to Clemson. At first I thought they'd stare at me and hate me because of my story. But they're so encouraging."

Whenever she even ponders the thought of doing drugs again, her mind rewinds to the day when Oprah Winfrey's crew was at the hotel, eager to document her descent to utter despair.

"I was looking around for an escape route – ‘Where in the hell can I run?'" she said. "It was just horrible. I don't want to feel that way again."

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