Like pluff mud through the hourglass

Right now, we've got two crises with our natural resources here in Charleston, and wouldn't you know that both are controversial.

Of course, around here, Andy Capp is controversial.

First, Wild Dunes is losing its sand. How bad is it? Well, when Dunes residents want to go to the beach now they need a snorkel ... or a car.

They came up with a dandy plan to pilfer some sand off the public beach, but some other Isle of Palms residents have objected, took the case all the way to the Supreme Court.

It's not that the non-gated world doesn't want to share its sand with a private beach - the locals were just kind of hoping Wild Dunes would wait until all the sunbathers got out of the way before they cranked up the bulldozers.

Not that they're desperate in Wild Dunes, but if something doesn't change soon, truth-in-advertising will force them to rename the place 'Without Dunes.' And that could cost some real scratch, what with replacing the signs and all.

Meanwhile, back of the island, the Intracoastal Waterway is silting in and the federal government doesn't want to pay for it anymore. They say no one is using it, so why pay for it? Of course, no one can use it because they won't pay to keep it open. When did we elect Yogi Berra president?

The irony here is that our little stretch of the waterway has silted in because of sand eroding from - you guessed it - Cape Hatteras? No, Wild Dunes. Really. You can't make this stuff up.

So let's recap: Wild Dunes is losing sand and the Intracoastal Waterway has way too much of it.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

State government, meet the federal government. Feds, these are the state guys.

Now that y'all know each other, and have so much in common (red tape, taxes) how about getting together to work this problem out. It seems pretty simple.

OK, the truth is we checked with the Army Corps of Engineers and - surprise - they've actually already thought of this. But Jimmy Hadden, who is the Corps' project manager for the waterway, says it won't work. Too much pluff mud and 'organic material' (read: marsh grass) is mixed in with the sand in the waterway here. It would be kinda icky on a beach.

This is like a bad soap opera. Dramatic music cues at every turn. Two expensive public projects (dun dun dun) and no one wants to pay for either (dun dun dun). You know, everybody else gets to pool their resources. You know where they get the sand to renourish the beaches in Garden City? From the Murrells Inlet channel, where the grain is just perfect.

Stupid Lowcountry salt marsh ecosystem.

The answer here may be to just go ahead and do it. It would save a lot of money, and no one seems to want to pay retail for public infrastructure projects anymore (sorry Twin Cities, sorry New Orleans).

So let's just make the best of it. Think of the positive media attention Wild Dunes would get for recycling. Imagine how soft and cool it would feel to walk on - nothing like that hot ole sand.

Consider the possibility of monster trucks-in-the-mud rallies - right on the beach! With some dredging in the waterway, we might actually be able to barge the trucks in.

And - get this - mix some concrete with the pluff mud and those dunes are going nowhere!

So Wild Dunes, what do you think? Pluff Beach - it's got a nice ring to it. And, as you know, black sand beaches are quite popular in Hawaii.

Come to the IOP Blues Bash, featuring Muddy Waters. Reach Brian Hicks at 937-5561 or bhicks@postandcourier.com.