So the liberals are not only monkeying with science education, they're now attacking U.S. history lessons, too.
A group led by former state education superintendent candidate Sheri Few told the state Board of Education last week that the new Advanced Placement U.S. History curriculum used by the state is liberally biased and paints our great land in a poor light.
As an example, she cited a passage in the 140-page outline of lessons that said the country's decision to drop two nukes on Japan "raised questions about American values."
"It's certainly not the perception of the patriots of this country," Few told the board.
What Tom Brady and Bill Belichick have to do with this is unclear. But it's obvious the South Carolina Parents Involved in Education don't believe there was any question.
Except of course, all that time President Truman struggled with the moral dilemma of dropping bombs on the Japanese - despite the fact that they started it.
The Parents Interfering in Education fears that college-bound high school students are going to be a fed a leftist, anti-American tirade just before they head off to college, where they will be exposed to a bunch of leftist, commie hippie professors.
You know, that's the real question: Why aren't more educated people conservative?
The solution here is obviously to bring in folks who may not know much about history - but know that America's the best! - and let them do a little editing.
Or, as the lefties call it, historical revisionism.
But true Americans know that criticizing the country is wrong, even though it's a right protected by the First Amendment (that's the one before the only one that matters).
So here are a few suggestions to make the AP history lessons more palatable to conservatives.
From section 5: The idea of Manifest Destiny, which asserted U.S. power in the Western Hemisphere and supported U.S. expansion westward, was built on a belief in white racial superiority and a sense of American cultural superiority, and helped to shape the era's political debates.
This might be better: European Americans helped Native Americans, who had too much land to tend to, by taking some of it off their hands. Also, they provided food and shelter to many African Americans, giving them a better life than they would have had back in Africa.
Also from section 5: The institution of slavery and its attendant ideological debates, along with regional economic and demographic changes, territorial expansion in the 1840s and 1850s, and cultural differences between the North and the South, all intensified sectionalism.
This should actually read: Northern states were bent on invoking their will on the South and those pesky Yankees would not obey the laws of the nation.
And in section 4: Many white Americans in the South asserted their regional identity through pride in the institution of slavery, insisting that the federal government should defend that institution.
Really? How about this: Y'all just watch "Gone With the Wind" - that will tell you how it really was.
From section 6 (on the early 20th century): In an urban atmosphere where the access to power was unequally distributed, political machines provided social services in exchange for political support.
This is what that really means: Democrats started bribing minorities with booze for their votes.
From section 7: The liberalism of President Franklin Roosevelt's New Deal drew on earlier progressive ideas and represented a multifaceted approach to both the causes and effects of the Great Depression, using government power to provide relief to the poor, stimulate recovery, and reform the American economy.
Try again: In the 1930s, Democrats wrecked the country by making citizens dependent on the government for their retirement and even offered them health care. Republicans have been trying to fix America ever since.
From section 8: Although the Korean conflict produced some minor domestic opposition, the Vietnam War saw the rise of sizable, passionate, and sometimes violent antiwar protests that became more numerous as the war escalated.
Better: Jane Fonda got all uppity and shot off her big mouth. We love our military.
From section 9: The rapid and substantial growth of evangelical and fundamentalist Christian churches and organizations, as well as increased political participation by some of those groups, encouraged significant opposition to liberal social and political trends.
Translation: In the 1980s, the country rediscovered its Christian roots and first attempted to take our country back from those 1960s and '70s heathens.
Again, from section 9: Although Republicans continued to denounce "big government," the size and scope of the federal government continued to grow after 1980, as many programs remained popular with voters and difficult to reform or eliminate.
Change to: Although Republicans tried to cut government funding and services, a large portion of the population - apparently voting illegally - kept electing just enough Democrats to keep the bloated, Big Brother government intact. Except from 2002 to 2006, when the GOP controlled everything but could not take the time to dismantle the government because they were busy fighting an allegedly unnecessary war. And besides, why tear down the government then - the Republicans were in charge of it.
And finally, from section 9: The U.S. population continued to undergo significant demographic shifts that had profound cultural and political consequences.
To be most accurate, this should read: Although their ancestors came uninvited and undocumented and took the land from the Indians, they suddenly decided that illegal immigration was bad.
But America is all good.
Reach Brian Hicks at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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