No April Foolin', Bravo's "Southern Charm" continued with its fifth episode Monday night. I should have known it wouldn't be canceled, considering I heard George Michael's "Father Figure" on the radio three times in as many days last week.
Monday night brought us JD's all-inclusive Carolina Day party. And by all-inclusive, I mean it actually included T-Rav "taking it outside" and threatening to pull out his old wrestling moves. But I'll talk about smelling what T-Rav is cooking later.
We begin with T-Rav and Kathryn discussing him wanting to take her to the Carolina Day party. He advises her not to be nervous about what people will say, and he offers to buy her a little black dress - one that's braless and accentuates every nook and cranny of her physique. She's 21 years old. She's not old enough to have nooks and crannies. She needs to eat a couple of sandwiches.
Whitney and Cameran meet at Charlestowne Tobacco and Wine to discuss his dating options, and wouldn't you know it, before too long she comes out with the "let me be your real estate agent" proposition. Because he has money and she needs cash, she says, adding that he doesn't need to be living with his mother. But Whitney has his own wing in the house; it's not all Norman Bates or anything. It's here that we learn that Cameran doesn't get the Norman Bates reference. How is that even possible?
In preparation for the big party, T-Rav goes to Gents Barberspa, which is one of JD's businesses. Of course it is. After his grooming session, they talk about T-Rav's relationship with Kathryn and his wanting to take her to JD's party. Because she's a "great gal" and has all the qualities he looks for in a woman. Who cares if people wonder if he's showing up with his daughter or his niece, he says.
For someone who "can't worry about it," T-Rav sure seems to talk about it a lot.
Shep decides that he's going to confront MJ about hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. He wants her to explain herself and apologize to him for the confusion because he felt like he "got punched in the stomach." I almost fell for the man-child's "sensitivity," but then I noticed his body language.
It's hard to take him seriously when he's all slouched back and splayed out. A little tip: you don't want to actually appear spineless when trying to get a girl to like you. Ultimately, MJ bails on the conversation, and the "relationship," it seems.
Whitney and his mom meet T-Rav at Husk for a drink. Whitney's mom's "medicine" is gin, but it felt like it took five minutes for her to order it because of all the instructions. Whitney orders "spherical ice" for his drink. Spherical ice. It's a real thing. A real big ice ball. Basic frozen water isn't even good enough for these people anymore.
Whitney's mom gives T-Rav some "motherly counsel" regarding Kathryn: Rather than impregnating 21-year-olds, she suggests he needs to "refocus." Enter long, uncomfortable silence here, then laugh it off pretentiously.
Since T-Rav and Kathryn are dating now, he meets her at Stars for a drink and rehashes what went down with Whitney and his mom. And because it's all about timing with these two, Kathryn lets it slip that she once kissed Whitney "for a moment." I say she lets it slip, but actually, T-Rav starts quizzing her about it. Were they in Whitney's bedroom? Was it a French kiss? Gosh, Dad, stop asking me such weird and embarrassing questions.
As T-Rav and Kathryn are getting ready for JD's Carolina Day party, T-Rav is already getting himself all bowed up and fired up about Whitney. He's tired of how Whitney is always "full of unsolicited free advice." But he stops long enough to flatter Kathryn about how good she looks in her dress and how he wants to take it off. Then he actually asks her if they "have time." Nice.
Break to the Carolina Day party at The Mezz, another business that JD owns. Of course he does. You can tell that this is the part of the episode where all the magic is going to happen, despite all the rain. You know it's going to be magic because this is where the preview shows T-Rav talking about slapping people.
The party is a very formal affair requiring black tie for the men, with white tuxedo jackets, mind you. An unshaven Whitney brings his "personal assistant" Brandy/Brandi, and Jenna and Cameran arrive with each other. Cameran looks amazing and Jenna looks, well ... she's wearing a long black dress-type thing with a Queen of Sheba collar/neckline thing, and I think what's supposed to be harem pants. To me, they just look like parachute pants or Hammer pants. She's too legit to quit, I guess. I never claimed to understand fashion.
Shep brings a gal that's not MJ and then comes Craig. In a black tuxedo jacket. Bless his heart. Whitney nails it, though: "He's from Delaware. He doesn't know." And since this event is also acting as T-Rav and Kathryn's "coming out" party, they arrive together and the gossip and whispered insults begin. Most of them are too hateful to repeat, and thanks to the remarkable editing by Bravo, I felt really sorry for Kathryn.
I'd tell you what food was served, but I can't pronounce any of it. There was lobster, though, as I expected. And lots of booze. Which is what leads to T-Rav's confrontation with Whitney about hooking up with Kathryn, which Whitney vehemently denies. T-Rav gets loud, everybody turns to look, and then all the ladies leave the tables and go to the bathroom. Because that's what we do.
As for the hushed talk in the room, everybody is saying that T-Rav is clueless and he's being used and he needs an intervention. The future attorney, Craig, best sums it up: "The whole thing is super weird."
After the commercial break, and more booze, T-Rav and Whitney get into another argument about some other thing that Whitney says that bruises T-Rav's ego. T-Rav then says, "We should step outside so I can tell you what I'm now thinking." That's a lot of words when what he's really thinking is "HULK SMASH."
Whitney goes outside with him, open umbrella and all, they drop lots of F-bombs, and T-Rav actually threatens to roll out his college wrestling moves right there on the asphalt. He'd win, too, because Whitney has a "smaller frame" than T-Rav and he could put him down in "two seconds." I didn't mean to laugh out loud. But I did. And then Whitney threatened to call the po-po and charge him with assault.
Silly, Whitney. T-Rav isn't afraid of the police. Whether they are here or in the state of New York.
BEST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "He needs to be ambushed. He's a moron." - Whitney to his mom about T-Rav
BEST RESPONSE WHEN AN AMATEUR REAL ESTATE AGENT TRIES TO CALCULATE WHAT HER COMMISSION WOULD BE IF SHE SOLD YOU A $7 MILLION HOME: "We don't talk about money, darling." - Whitney
PHRASE I'M TIRED OF HEARING 37 TIMES IN EVERY EPISODE: "I'll do what I want." - T-Rav
BEST MADE UP WORD: "Ultimatuming" - as in, "Are you ultimatuming me?" - MJ to Shep
HOW YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN THE COLOR OF YOUR RED HAIR: "It's like a clown color." - Whitney about Kathryn
THE "I'M NOT SURE IT'S A COMPLIMENT" COMPLIMENT: "She's got potential." - T-Rav about Kathryn
NEXT WEEK: T-Rav wants to host a party and share his wisdom to the younger cast members, I mean, his friends, and Craig takes that as an opportunity to throw Kathryn under the bus. Hard.